Bangla: Amader Bhasha, Amader Ohongkar (In honor of Ekushey February/International Mother Language Day)

Growing up, I would have other South Asians ask me the strangest questions. Do I speak Hindi/Urdu? If not, why don’t I learn? So in honor of Ekushey February also International Mother Language Day declared in 1999 by UNESCO in recognition of those who fought and died to speak Bangla, this post is my response.

Imagine being told you couldn’t speak your language, the language that binds you to your ancestors and adds color to the curve of your life. The language that flows so effortlessly between families, enriching my culture was refused to be recognized as a language. In 1952, West Pakistan (now just Pakistan) refused to recognize Bangla-the language spoken by Bangladesh formally known as East Pakistan. In response the Language Movement became a bigger fight which caused an uproar that led to protests held on February 21 by various student groups. The morning of February 21, 1952 students defiantly gathered at the University of Dhaka and faced off with armed police who awaited them. During the attempt to storm into the legislator several student protesters were shot and killed by police. The movement continued for years and catalyzed the rise of nationalist movements in East Bengali leading to the rise of a free and independent Bangladesh.

Forever remembered as the language martyrs of February 21st are Abdus Salam, Rafiq Uddin Ahmed, Abul Barkat, Abdul Jabbar, Shafiur Rahman, Ahi Ullah, Abdul Awal, and an unnamed victim.

Now that I’ve enlightened you in the history of this day, I’d like you to understand why it burns my Bengali blood when other South Asians have the nerve to ask me why I don’t learn their language especially the Pakistani’s who tell me to speak Urdu. Why is my language, the one that people lost their lives to deemed as not important? Why am I required to learn your mother language when people died to speak mine? How inconsiderate are you to ignore the genocide, blood and rape my country suffered to speak Bangla and embrace the only culture that defines us? I can only speak Bangla to my family and friends because of those who fought for it. I can only sing along to Habib Wahid’s songs because of those who saw the beauty of the words intertwining East Bengal. I proudly can pass down Bangla to my future children knowing that we were the only nation that had to fight to speak our language.

So the next time you decide to be insensitive and ask me why I don’t learn/speak Hindi or Urdu, think again.


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How To Make Her Fall In Love With You

I have mixed emotions about Valentine’s Day because you should always express your love to the people in your life all the time especially the one you choose to lay next to every night. However, I do love how warm and joyous this holiday can be. I love seeing people in love or doing things for the one they love.

In the modern age of dating and love we find ourselves swiping right and dealing with DM’s. We’ve all heard the horror stories of Tinder and Bumble as my guy friends entertain me with their experience of getting catfished. As I talk to different people regardless of gender, age and background I find that we are all masking the truth, which is that we are all trying to find “our person”. There are many articles, magazines, talk shows and the list just goes on to help women understand men, dating, learning the rules and more but what about our men? Why aren’t there more resources for them to not only understand women (which you may think is nearly impossible) but to learn about dating etiquette. We are so caught up in these new found labels such as “talking, messing around, hanging out” and materialistic expectations that we are forgetting the foundation of what the true components are in love. So in honor of Valentine’s Day, this post is dedicated to my male readers but also to the women who want to be treated right and are told that you have high expectations.

More than ever I have the men in my life ask me how to make the girl they’re dating like them or fall for them.  As women, we expect men to read our mind without saying a word and magically become the prince charming we’ve been waiting for. Can we step back a moment before we blame an entire gender of their incompetence to understand us? In our Insta-world all men see is women wanting expensive meals, designer bags and craving the allure of wealth. Do you know how many men I know that are well-off that put in zero effort but they seem to get more women than the guy next door that I think would keep anyone happy? I’m not blaming our gender so no need to bring out the feminist pitch forks, what I’m trying to relay is that we are confusing the shit out of men. I get more questions of “where should I take her for dinner” and “would this bar be up to par for our date” than what they should be asking me. Let me tell you a little secret, she won’t fall in love with you because you took her to Uchi and bought her a Chanel. She may like for that moment but that will die shortly. She won’t feel her heart skip a beat because you bought her a Hermes scarf but forgot to wish her Happy Birthday right on midnight like she expected. If a woman tells you that without those things she won’t be happy with you, then run unless you want to spend the rest of your life with a person who is in love with your bank account.

You think you need to impress her with large gestures and helicopter dates but it’s the small things you do for a woman that mean the most. Why? Because you’re showing her that you’re willing to put effort just for her and it wasn’t the pressure of Valentine’s Day to romance the woman in your life. She didn’t fall in love with you because you brought her Starbucks. She fell in love with you because you woke up and made her coffee as she was getting ready. She didn’t fall in love with you because you spend your nights with her but before she closes her eyes to tell her goodnight with a kiss. She doesn’t fall in love with you just because you share meals with her but before you sit down to eat you ask her if she’d like anything to drink. Compliment her everyday reminding her of the beauty you see.  Remember the names of her closet friends to show you’re interested in her entire life and want to be a part of it. Putting effort to get to know her family shows that you see a future with her and you want to know everyone else in her life that loves her. Text her something sweet randomly mid-day. Kiss her on the cheek randomly or hold her hand even if it’s walking from the hostess stand to your table. She didn’t fall in love with you because you said a few funny jokes; she fell in love with you because you make it an effort to make her laugh every day. She fell in love with you because you have a drive and ambition to create a better life for the both of you not because she hopes you’ll be rich. Pay attention to what she likes and base your romantic gestures off that. She’ll fall for you because the things people in her past have told her she’s imperfect for, you’ll tell her how much you love that about her. She will fall in love with you because you’ll show her that she was never difficult to love. She will fall for you because you hold her heart in ways no one has ever done before. There isn’t “one size fits all” to dating so take all these things and customize it to what she would enjoy the most.

At the end of the day we’re all trying to find someone who truly loves and accepts us, for us. Someone who makes us feel what Audrey Hepburn felt every time she went to Tiffany’s. Someone who makes us smile with just the mere thought of them. Someone who loves every bit of us and shines light in the parts of ourselves others threw in the dark. I hope I helped not just for today but for your path to capture the heart that makes yours skip a beat or two.


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Style & Fashion: Podcast with Bryan

On Tuesday, as I’m finishing the dishes after coming home from dinner with my little brother and his girlfriend at East Wall Restaurant, I hear my phone ringing and its my wonderful talented friend Bryan Chu. A few weeks ago he honored me by asking to interview me about fashion, style and the importance of it in my life. So in the comforts of my own home I got to just talk to one of the most creative people in my life about one of things I love the most.

In honor of New York Fashion Week and Bryan being ever so lucky to be amidst of all that, I hope you take your time to listen.

“Dressing well is a from of good manners.” -Tom Ford


Let me know if you have any questions, comments or just wanting to converse with me more about this.

P.S. my cover photo is glam, dress and purse from my genius designer friend:


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Promises To Keep

Counting down the days to the New Year and everyone is scrambling about what to do, how to act and this long awkward moment before 2018 knocks at our door. So whether you are in search of the perfect outfit for that perfect Instagram shot with your new boo thang or you’re reflecting on this past year, we all come to the point where we begin our resolutions. What’s the big hoopla over New Year resolutions anyways?  New Year resolutions are kind of like that bad relationship/shitty ex that we keep promising will work out but in the end it’s always a disappointment. So maybe like we do in bad relationships we should stop trying to achieve unrealistic goals.

If you’re anything like I am, you have mixed feelings about New Year Resolutions. It seems almost natural to make important changes, set goals and reflect on what we want to do different compared to the past year. It’s also silly for me to expect to look like Adriana Lima with the appetite of Dak Prescott. So, I’m going to keep my list minimal yet colorful just like Gianni Versace’s Spring collection in 1996.

  1. Live My Best Life (like I did in 2017)
    Now, you’re probably thinking how is that even a resolution? Well it’s general and it is something that I’ve been doing and have discovered this year so I know with no doubt 2018 will be even better. Living my best life means anything from traveling more to simply making sure I spend a dedicated amount of time each week to the people I love most in this world. Oh and if I want to treat myself, I will. Of course please don’t use this as an excuse to quit your job with no plan. It just simply means to do what makes you happy and love this wonderful life we live.
  2. Practice Gratitude, Kindness & Positivity
    No, I did not read that off my yoga mat or ask my yoga instructor to repeat that so I can use it in this blog. Like the first one this is something I promised myself I would do more of in 2017 and I think it’s something I need to work on. We make ourselves miserable comparing each other whether it’s friends, enemies or famous Instagram celebrities. I always tell people you never know what kind of lives people live behind closed doors. So instead of being my typical self and complaining about everything, my goal is to be positive. As soon as I learn to be more grateful and keep a sunny outlook on everything it just won’t be my year but my whole life can change for the better. With that also comes kindness. Even if it’s saying thank you to your server for refilling your drink or complimenting a random stranger. It also means to not take advantage of the people we love the most and to watch our temper with them.
  3. Always Have Me Time & Self-Love
    Something I always tell people is I make it a thing to do something for myself at least every day if not every other day. You’re probably thinking “well that’s selfish” and guess what? It is and you should be because if you’re not happy with yourself then you will make everyone else around you miserable. Sometimes that just means working out, reading a book before I go to bed or getting my nails done once a week. Whatever it is we must always put aside things we love to do and things that brings us happiness. It doesn’t have to hurt anyone it just means you’re taking care of you and that should always be priority. As long as you’re not hurting others or being destructive, “me time” is very necessary for your sanity.
  4. Declutter
    2017 was the year that I began this and my life changed so much after. What do I mean by declutter? Well it’s not just a once a year spring cleaning. It’s always making sure you don’t keep things around that are taking up space in a bad way whether it’s your life or your room. Think about this year or your life at this moment. Is there anyone you wish you could cut off or has become toxic? Clutter is never a good thing. It crowds your mind and living space. Just as our rooms, our lives sometimes get filled with that too. Cut off people that are not good for you, good to you and all the negativity. That boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/lover you keep hanging on to that’s dragging you down slowly? Throw that person out of your life! That deranged denim you bought on the sake of “trend” please for the love of God make sure it stays in 2017. Basically throw the bad shit out of your life so there is always space for the good or new.

Realize that this is your life and if you don’t live it others will live it for you. Leave behind all the doubt, fear, negativity and absurd expectations. Set a reasonable goal that you know you can work hard and achieve it. You might think my goals are so broad and general that I’m aiming low but my goals go beyond just losing ten pounds. I want to make changes to my life that will brighten my outlook and make me a better person. These are goals I know I will excel at.  There is so much to them that is listed and that’s the beauty of it. Each goal can be crafted to the individual reading it.

So good luck and I hope this coming year is better for you than the last, I know mine will be.


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2017: The Best Year Ever

As I’m lying on my beach mat in Miami, soaking in all the beauty around like the sun, weather and one of my best friends (Nancy aka “My Fave”) giggling as she takes a snap of us I couldn’t be more grateful of life. I know I wrote a piece when I was leaving L.A. but in Miami I found myself engulfed with the happiness and wander in my life right now. Feeling the carefree wind hit my skin while the sun kisses all the exposure takes me on a path of reflection. Oh, I know its December 13 and I’m already reflecting on 2017 but how can you not? Who knew that I’d draw inspiration on the beach while Nancy giggles away with me as if we’re sisters playing pretend?  Here I am smiling thinking about how great this year has been to me minus a few tragedies such as having Trump as our President and Hurricane Harvey. Yet throughout all the storms, I’ve been blessed to have been kissed by the sun more than usual.

So now you’re wondering, well why has 2017 out of all the 25 years of me breathing on this planet been different? Well, 25 has been my year and 2017 just happens to ride along with it. It’s like I woke up and felt that I’ve “arrived” as a woman. I feel so confident in my skin and going on this journey to find out what makes me, Me. So here’s my secret, this year I chose MYSELF, always. No, I didn’t go to a brunch instead of attending a family event so don’t tell your loved ones that you read my blog and found it as an excuse to be selfish in a rude way. I chose myself as in I discovered that the most important person to serve and prioritize is yourself. This year I made one of the most difficult yet best decisions of my life and everything else seemed to have fallen in place after that. I left a relationship that I felt was toxic and didn’t serve me in the best way possible. I finally had the guts to be like, “You know what? I’m not happy and I’m going to do what makes me happy.” After I did that everything just got better in my life. I’m not kidding! Everything improved from my relationship with friends and family to work to my social life. If I wanted to be alone one morning, grab coffee at Common Bond and read, I did that. If I felt the travel bug itch at me, I booked a flight and was lucky to have Nancy come along.  Whatever I wanted to do whether it was stay in bed and read all day or be out and about, I did.

Choosing yourself is the only way to make it through the hustle and bustle of this world. You are your only compass to direct you to who you are, your reactions and what serves you the best. You can’t steer by what anyone else wants or needs because then you are not 100% there for anyone. It will feel scary. You’ll probably get some things “wrong” but guess what? It’s OKAY. This year I cut off anyone or anything I felt was toxic to me and it felt so great. Like shedding excess layers you don’t need. When something or someone isn’t right for you it doesn’t matter how many ways you try to spin it to make it work.  You will never be happy and the people you choose over yourself will never be satisfied.

So think about people you love, read books you enjoy, go to events that you actually want to attend, deal with people who are good to you the way you are good to them and dance to anything even the noise of the AC vents.  Just do whatever makes you happy to be human and that makes you breathe and think, wow life is “funderful”.  Choose yourself, every morning of everyday and I promise everything falls into place afterwards.


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Home is Where the Heart Beats

As I’m boarding yet another plane to go home I almost stopped to question what that even meant to me at this point. I find myself so busy that my apartment has become somewhere I get my 8 hours of beauty sleep. So in reality do I even consider that “home”? According to the dictionary, home is defined as “the place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.” I think it goes beyond a place or where you stay. I’ve traveled so much to discover that home to me is defined by the people I love, feelings and the joy I feel knowing they are always here to greet me when I come back.

First and foremost home to me is my family. It is walking into my parents’ house and being attacked with the aromatic bursts of seasoning my mom is applying to the variety of my favorite traditional Bengali dishes. Before I even say hi to my parents, it’s the bombardment of my twin sisters and Sami (pre-teen brother) greeting me with their eager grins and hugs so tight I might just lose a little bit of air. It’s the warm smile that lightens amu’s (mom’s) face and her smile that sparks her eyes when she sees me as she greets me and asks “tumi khecho?” It’s her giggles as I walk over and hug her after days of not hearing her lectures and taunts and feeling her motherly love transcend into my heart. It’s walking into the living room finding my father on the couch watching TV but the big smile he always provides me as soon as he sees me walk into the room. It’s the little space between him and the corner of the couch that I force myself into as he asks me how my trip went. Suddenly I hear loud thumps of someone coming downstairs and I smile as I await Tanvir (my other younger brother) to give me a big hug as I find something clever to say to him. It’s my older brother walking through the door and calling me names or making a childish remark about anything he can think of. When I’m traveling my mind sometimes wanders to this scene that repeats at least twice a week for family dinners. As we grow older, we realize what family means and the importance of their roles not only in our lives but our hearts.

Of course life would be barren without my best friends. Home is not only defined by the family you’re born into but the family you make along the years. It’s my best friends that make me laugh so hard you’d think I’m sobbing. It’s the meals we have together as we talk about our lives. It’s the friends who have been by my side for so many years knowing every layer to my soul and yet loving me the same if not more every year. It’s the silly remarks we make at each other that only we would understand. It’s my bunnies (gay best friends) weekly dinner dates that entertain me but ground me as we have our heart to hearts about life, love and everything under the stars. I’ve been to so many cities, seen so many faces and talked to so many people but there’s not one single person I’ve met that can replace any of you. If anything I see you guys in nooks and corners of every city as I laugh knowing the comment each of you would make at my interesting experiences. It’s when family drives you mad so you run to the arms of those you can dance with freely.

Aside from family and friends, home is the person who lays their head on the pillow next to you. It is the person all your walls come down for. The person who fills your heart in a way no one else can understand. It’s the soft kisses on your cheek and forehead. It’s the warm embrace that causes your heart to race and make you wonder why you left in the first place. It’s the person who listens to your daily rants and stories. The arms that wrap around you as you get ready to drift off to dream world. The hands that hold yours in place creating a safe haven. It’s the person you find next to you as you’re cooking dinner. It’s the person that helps define love. The one that patches up all the cracks and allows the light to fill the darkness. The face you see first thing in the morning reminding you they’re always by your side. This part of home is something not all of us have or find. It’s the part people spend their whole lives looking for. If we are ever so lucky to come across someone who reminds us daily that home is a heartbeat not a place, we should consider ourselves lucky.

Last but not least, home is you Houston, Texas.


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Texas Strong & Proud: Even Hurricanes Can’t Break Us

We live on this earth and our planet likes to remind us that it is alive. It shakes, it sweats and dances to make sure we acknowledge its presence. Everyday things happen that throw off our plans. Weddings get rained on, events get cancelled and places get snowed in. We accept and expect Mother Nature of being unpredictable but that doesn’t mean we are always prepared. We are not always kind to her nor each other. At times I question our humanity and where it has gone especially with everything going on but this weekend my hope in humanity has been restored.

Imagine going to work on Friday and everyone is preparing for a storm that has chosen our state like an uninvited visitor.  On one hand gas stations and grocery stores are chaotic and the other hand people throwing hurricane parties.  Friday night was spent half of the city in fear of the hurricane that was making its way to us and the other half taking advantage of all the hurricane drink specials.  As Saturday morning rolls around, the hurricane has touched the coast but the city was not heavily impacted as predicted so we continue on with our lives and plan watch parties for the Mayweather and McGregor fight. Jokes and laughter ringing in every household and business as we laugh at the face of Harvey.  As the hours pass by, the wind is howling louder for the entire city to hear and Harvey is laughing at us for underestimating him.  One night of rain and our lives will have changed forever.

Saturday night we see the first brutal swing Tropical Storm Harvey has taken on our city. It hit us right in the face so hard that we fell over but he wasn’t done yet. An underestimated fight in which we were unaware of the strength our opponent held. The clouds were furious as they threw gallons and gallons of water in our city. Wind thrashing the neighbor’s fencing punching it to the ground. You can hear  the roar of the eerie, crazy wind making the rain dance to its tune and crushing everything in it’s path. Those are not drops of water that are falling but my city getting torn apart in every corner and at every edge. It took Harvey one night to strip homes, businesses and throw our lives into chaos. Just writing this is tugging at every one of my heart strings as I’m in disbelief how quickly everything can change. I woke up Sunday morning to find that most of our city was underwater. All I could hear on the news is flooding, historic, devastating and that’s when the real fear kicked in. As I looked around at my family’s faces I wasn’t sure if I should cry or smile. I was lucky to be surrounded by my loved ones in our safe, dry home but I had no clue in what conditions my friends were in. To make matters worse Harvey was continuing to bash us as the rain gave us no mercy for the next few days.  A  total of 14.5 trillions of water now consumed Houston. Imagine the Empire State Building standing tall more than a hundred stories tall. Now fill that up with water 33,000 times and imagine dumping it along the Texas coast. Now do you understand the extent of the flooding and storm?

“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” -Victor Hugo

I am so thankful for the safety of the people I love and never have I appreciated them so much in my life. There are so many things we take for granted that this storm has made me realize. I don’t think I’ve missed my normal schedule this much. I missed the hot Texas sun kissing my skin. I missed complaining about traffic or plans being ruined. I missed grocery stores that were fully stocked and lines that took no longer than 5 minutes. I missed my city and the normalcy we lost. There were updates on every social media outlet and families crying for help everywhere. Imagine getting on your Facebook and you’re seeing families post statuses asking to send help and tagging local stations in order to be saved from the flood waters. More than anything it makes you truly realize how material belongings can be taken away from you in a blink of an eye.  At the end of the day it’s those who hold a place in our hearts that you will feel the most thankful for.

Through all this devastation around us the only thing that has warmed our hearts is each other. I can’t express how proud I am to live in this beautiful city and state. A state where people assume we are racists, shotgun carryin, horse-ridin crazy folks. We as Texans have stepped up to help our neighbors regardless of background, race or religion. People grabbing their boats and big cars as they run to every person yelling for help. This is my Texas that I am so proud of. We have shown not only this country but the world what a combined effort can do. People risking their lives to help others before the government even stepped in. No one is asking you any questions but simply coming to aid in those of need. Shelters are overflowing with donations and volunteers that they have actually had to turn people away. It just fills my heart up with warmth and love to see everyone helping in any way they can. For those who couldn’t leave the house, still found ways to donate and help others. We as Texans have been assigned this mountain to show the world how it can be moved. We have taken our burdens and struggles to create strength, kindness and love. We have embraced the uncertainty, rafted through the waters and enjoyed the beauty of humanity. The sun has come out for the first time in days and has greeted everyone as the beam of hope we were all holding on to. As it kisses my skin, I have never been so thankful and wishful for the colorful Texas sun to return

We will not only tell our children, grand-children of this storm but how our neighbors have lent their hand to pick us up from drowning. When you turn on the news, go to your social media outlets it’s hard to escape the devastation and horror that has swept our beautiful city and state. However, it makes me so proud to see that shelters have had to refuse volunteers and donations because they have reached a capacity. Even today people scrambling over themselves trying to find places to volunteer.  Please do not email me or flood my page with any negativity about our state questioning our Mayor, Sylvester Turner. Please do your research before you spread your negativity! Imagine 6.5 million people trying to evacuate with a two day notice.  Now imagine the population of LA, Manhattan, Miami, Chicago and heck we could probably throw in an entire state too, getting on the roads to leave all at once. Harvey couldn’t break our spirits and neither will people who have never weathered a storm together.  Thank you Texas, especially Houston for showing the world how beautiful our souls are. I’ve always been thankful and proud to be from the Lone Star State but our pride will be even stronger once our boots are dry. The stars at night have and will always shine big and bright deep in the heart of Texas.

If you would like to help or donate please check out the links below.

Help Houston

JJ Watt Houston Flood Relief Fund

Find shelters and services with needs here:

Also check the Houston Food Bank calendar for volunteer shifts you can sign up for.


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Back To Black

Do you remember that night you met me? Did you think we would be here today when your eyes locked mine and you flashed me your infamous mischievous smile? It sounds crazy but I knew from the first time I saw you that you were trouble. I just felt it, not even sure what it was but I was instantly drawn to you. Naturally of course, I either find trouble or it finds me. I wish I could tell you what it was but I haven’t even figured that out myself. No, it wasn’t something obvious like you would assume. It was just your energy or an ancient kinship but it seemed as if we had met centuries ago. I think some souls have a way of finding each other without our knowledge. Were you drawn to me because you could see I was as broken as you? Did you see the hidden scars and bruises I covered in my black lace dress that no one else could?  If you had told me that very night, that I would be here, laying on my bed thinking of you I would laugh at your face. Yet here I am, wondering what you’re doing and if I cross your thoughts as much as you stay in mine.

You were like the whirlwind of an adventure. I wanted to touch every inch of your soul and pass every night in your warmth. I tried to stop myself many times but I couldn’t. What was it about you that every emotion I dug in the grave decided to rise with every word that slipped your lips? I still have no clue no matter how many times I sat in the silence of the night trying to figure us out. I had never met someone who felt like home yet kept me on the edge of my heart. It was as if I was at the end of the cliff as the wind slowly blew me closer out. You made me feel so alive and I just wanted to run to every corner in the world with you. You see, this heart of mine doesn’t like to be attached and you put the fear in me. The fear of attachment and falling for you knowing you could create craters in my heart that I’d never be able to heal from. I didn’t want that and as the days passed I could feel your effortless charm draw me in. I knew what I was getting myself into, we both did but here I found myself feeling more vulnerable than I had planned and the only thing I could think of doing is running the other way.

I remember that very moment when I promised myself not to fall in your cobwebs of confusion again. It was the end of winter as the sweet spring air took over brushing against my skin like a warm chiffon kimono draping my body. I kept thinking that like the weather, my skin was warming up but my heart was returning to the bitterness of winter. Your departure stained me. It left a mark that no matter how many times I tried to rub off it kept reappearing. Months passed by where things would remind me of you whether it was songs you played for me or places where I could still hear our laughter ringing in every corner. I tried to keep myself busy with anything I could think of from new hobbies, to working more or just attending as many social events to escape the thought of you. Every man I came across I looked for you and when I couldn’t find any trace of your soul I got frustrated. But time forced me to pause every now and then and I couldn’t help but picture your brown eyes piercing mine and your smile crawling to the other half of your face causing my heart to beat ten times faster as everything around us disappeared. Regardless of my mind randomly playing all your records, I learned how to live without you. In your absence, I found a new level of happiness I’ve never discovered before. I was finally okay. I could breathe in ease knowing there was nothing and no one weighing me down.  I didn’t need anything and there was no one affecting the waves I was riding. What else could I ask for, right? That didn’t last very long.

I hate that I come back to your calling after months of trying to convince myself you were a mere illusion my heart created. But here I am once again, with all my hard exteriors on the floor with my face softened and your firm arms wrapped around my waist, as if it’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. As I lay my head closer to your chest and look up towards your face waiting for those soft kisses you used to plant on my cheeks, I questioned how I ended up in your warmth all over again. You’re not much for grand entrances. We fall into the nooks and crannies of each other so naturally like this bond was carved out of the earth. You flow as the rivers effortlessly as if that’s what you were put on this earth to do and that’s how you entered my life once again. It’s not something just physical although when I see you there’s a fire in me that could burn this whole planet. I almost wish it were just that, so this rush of emotions wouldn’t consume my entire existence. As we lay here and I stroke your face by running my finger over every pore wondering how I made it through all those months without this. It was then that I could feel it. Every emotion, some which I didn’t even know I had came back like flooding waters and there I was lying next to you drowning in your abyss. As you lock your arms around my body pulling me closer I look up and wonder how long this will be home. Did you miss my body as much as I missed yours pressed against my skin and making me feel like holding on to the night as long as possible? My heart rehearsed all the notes that played from yours, hoping that it will sing all your favorite lullabies. The universe knew all along, didn’t it?  It knew our story and watched as we tripped here and escaped there only to meet up again.

You always knew when I had too much on my mind and drifted into my thoughts. How did you learn to read me so well as if I was your favorite book and every word on every page might as well have been something you wrote? We never really needed words to communicate with one another. It’s like you just knew every thought that crossed my mind with every sigh that escaped my mouth and the slight curve in my eyebrows as I looked up at you with my big brown eyes for answers only you hold. I knew then that you had the power of understanding me like no other. Whatever we have goes beyond language because the silence is extraordinary. Even your stillness speaks. When others found me in a foreign language, you make me realize I’m your mother tongue. I hate that you tear down all the walls I spent years to build and throw me in the cold winds, naked as the goose bumps appear all over my skin with no choice but to feel. I’m not even sure what to call this or us but if anything you’ve taught me to just feel without overthinking. You’re nothing like what I’d imagine but here I am falling deeper into the comfort of your soul.

As I’m running my fingers from your shoulder to every crease of your muscles I realized what it is that you validate for me. I don’t think you even know how many scars you’ve helped me patch up.  You allowed me to be free without labels or restrictions. You held my hand and walked me into this world where all the wounds he left were healed by your assurance. So many people told me I was too wild to be tamed, too crazy but you embraced it. You didn’t stop me or try to hold me back but instead you grabbed me to run wildly right next to you. Everything that we experienced brought us here, once again lying next to each other as if this was our daily routine. It gave me a chance to be grateful for what I have, don’t have and what I seek. Thank you for loving my wildness and playing out every crazy idea that crossed my mind. I don’t think anyone has ever made me feel so free to be who I truly am with no limitations. The person that was chained and kept shut because of him that you unleashed. Whether you knew it or not your mission was to help me, guide me, and bring out the emotions I locked away years ago hidden deep inside.

There have been countless minutes, hours and weeks dedicated to trying to figure out why I go back to you even after convincing myself to stay away for good. Why do I step into your ocean when I know the depth and strength of your waves that tug my heart in directions I never wanted to discover? I know you are broken too and that is probably why you are as drawn to me as I am drawn to you. I know you live in fear of your own emotions just as I hide in the cave of mine. The messiness and hurt from our pasts drove us here out in the unknown. That same hurt connected us at a level that I cannot go with anyone else. The scars written so deeply into my cells that no one can see is only recognizable because they are the same ones you cover up in yourself.  I’m not sure if I help you as much as you unknowingly help me but there’s a reason we find ourselves back here over and over again. I don’t know what to call this. Some may assume its love but to me there is no title, no emotion and no name for us. We just merely exist in this world we created long ago. Although I don’t know if your stay will be temporary, it’s hard not to be wrapped in you at 3 a.m. when the dark is too much and I need you to be real when nothing else is.

Maybe it’s not our time to meet face to face but I know our souls will dance together no matter what world, what century, what universe Maybe we’ll meet again when we’re not so broken. Maybe then I won’t need validation from you because all my self-doubt will be gone and I will just want you to lock your fingers with mine as you sit with me watching our lives pass by. Maybe it won’t be so hard for you to just stay and not leave me in the darkness of your absence. I hope to meet again in between night and day, beyond the moon at the edge of life itself. To reconnect because no one has ever caught my heart quite the same way and I wish I could end this by giving you all the answers you seek in me just as I stay lost in you but I can’t. That is what you do for me and beyond the ocean of self-discovery I seem to always find you there smiling waiting for me.

We all have that person we seem to go back to but why? Even with the known risks, scars and fear we find ourselves diving into the shallow waters without really knowing how to come back to life. As you were reading this I’m guessing you’re wondering who this was for, who he is but this isn’t about only me. It’s about the person that popped up in your head as your read the words that painted the face you are looking for even when you’re surrounded by people. We tend to have that one person that we lock our hearts with but we cannot give any clarification as to why. We run back in the comfort of their arms knowing all the thorns that cut into our hearts. We look to that one person to validate something about ourselves that we doubt. So, what are we looking for? Love? Comfort? Intimacy? Maybe it’s the fact that you know the situation you’re getting yourself into. You know all the curves, bumps and holes of going down that path whereas with a new person everything is a mystery. Maybe it’s the fire that they light in you that you have not figured out how to create yourself. Don’t worry we all get lost but eventually we hope to find ourselves in the middle of it all. Everyone has their reasons but next time you find yourself tangled in blankets looking up at their face for answers; think about why you’re there. Think about what you are truly searching for in them that you can possibly find in yourself.


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Haathi Cloth: Changing The World One Kurta At A Time

As I get dressed every morning I can’t decide which part of my closet to choose my clothes from, summer or winter? You’re probably thinking hello, we are in the middle of a desert also known as a regular Texas summer but in my office it feels as if I’m standing in the middle of Winterfell. As I look over I see a whole side of my closet dedicated and ornate with traditional attire. Just looking at them is making feel like a chicken roasting in the oven. Unfortunately, many of these outfits are going to pulled out as wedding season is here. I know everyone coos and awws at the beautiful intricate outfits South Asians wear to weddings, but have you experienced wearing them in Texas? Actually I’m being a drama queen; women’s clothing isn’t too bad. We have skirts and flowy attire, which lets the air breathe through me, but still hot. I can only imagine the pain the men go through. The fabric is made in India, Bangladesh or Pakistan, but it is not summer friendly. Don’t ask me why, I’ve tried to figure out myself.

I’ve seen male family members slowly melting in the scorching summer sun and having to smile at the photographers as they ask themselves what sins they committed to be punished like this. So why hasn’t anyone thought of outfits for our dashing, handsome men attending South Asian weddings? Well, actually someone did.

When people prepare for weddings outfits for family, friends, groomsmen (since the men usually couldn’t care less) our first thought is to go back home, online or any South-Asian store. No matter where we go all of the options are made from the same stiff, nonbreathable material that nobody can wash or dry-clean. What if I told you there’s an option for comfortable, breathable kurtas that are still fashionable? No, I have not lost my mind. In fact for the first time on my blog, I’d like to introduce my male following to Haathi Cloth.

Haathi Cloth kurtas are made from the most insanely luxurious, super soft, high quality technical fabric that is breathable, super comfortable and machine washable. Instead of embroidery, the designs for the collar and front are screen printed using a custom, specially formulated metallic ink that both stretches with the cloth and is machine washable. Go ahead and pinch yourself because you are not dreaming and I did just tell you that you can look like a total stud without compromising comfort. To make your day even better, as if I haven’t already, the kurtas and pyjama pants are tagless and have pockets. Haathi Cloth was started because someone decided to question the uncomfortable attire we have been adorning for years like the elder in your family your parents tell you to deal with due to traditions and culture. The people of Haathi Cloth decided to gift the men of this world with something stylish, breathable, fitting (yup no more safety pins, etc) and even convenient. Did I mention this means you don’t have to always buy a new kurta and you can actually re-use it for dinner parties, Eid, etc?

Okay before y’all bombard me, see the information below to contact them for any questions, orders, comments and praises.

You may contact them  via the Preorder  page or at to find out more.

Website| Questions |Facebook| Instagram |Twitter


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The Unspoken Truth

Have you ever hoped for silence? Have you waited for minutes, hours and days for the absence of words, conversation and noise? I find myself here more than I should. Sitting at my bedside questioning my life and sanity wondering what path I took to bring me here. A path I question but very well know the curves and bumps of each step. This isn’t a new occurrence, it happens often and every time I tell myself I’ll escape this moment of craving pure silence. I feel like a caged bird, clipped of her wings and fragile but no caretaker to bring me back to life. When did I start feeling so lifeless? I’m here talking, occasionally laughing, socializing but nights like these remind me how dead I am inside. With each day my insides are rotting away regardless of how sunny things are on the surface. I continue sitting here soaking in tears with things all over the place in mess as big as myself.

I don’t really remember where it all started. Maybe it was when we were arguing that one cold November night. My memory plays games at times I can feel the winds, hear the hollowness of the winter that resemble but other times it’s as if someone put snow over my memory like a blanket. That night you got so upset you slammed your own fist down on our dining table. I had never seen rage like that from you. How did you manage to conceal it all those years of us dating? I felt like it was my fault and I’d pushed you too far to get like this. Then a couple of days after that, my leg became the replacement for the dining table. It left a bruise the size of golf ball. You didn’t apologize because it ended with me saying sorry and you promising it would never happen again. “It’s not me, I don’t know what came over me.” I’m not sure how many times I’ve heard that playing in my head like a broken record even when your cold hands aren’t wrapped around my neck stealing every gasp of air I can find. I don’t know if you did it on purpose but your “love wounds” as you would put it were always in places I could hide. I couldn’t tell my friends or family because they wouldn’t forgive you and you truly loved me, right? Your love was all I knew at a tender age of 18. There was nothing else I could compare it to so the many fights resulted in blaming you and myself until it got worse. The only question that ran through my head every second of the day was, when did I become your favorite punching bag?

Do you recall the night you hovered over me, pressing your hands and your thumbs down on my arms as place holders as you shouted at me for something so minute? I don’t even remember what it was for because a part of me blurs out all our violent dances. The one where you lead and I follow involuntarily. You’re not always like this I told myself. You take care of me, we go out for dinner, watch movies and it’s not hard to fall back in love with you again. There’s nights where I don’t know what to do or feel as I breakdown in sobs and you apologize and bring your arms around me but this time for comfort. I can’t tell you why or how I feel safe with you. I always said it would never happen to me. Those moments didn’t last too long. It took one mistake, one late meal, one morning sleeping in too long before my face became home to your fist again. Those weren’t common because they were harder to hide and falling down the stairs became a classic tale in my book.  I had read too many books, watched too many movies and even wrote too many research papers on these types of situations. Despite all my convictions and determinations, I was still dragged by the hair across the room.

It sounds dumb but I don’t even want to go to my loved ones and reveal the monster behind your sweet smile. What would they think? I choose you. I fought and pushed and pulled with everyone’s doubt just to be with you. What did I know? I was only 18. So many thoughts that shouldn’t go through my head did. What would happen to you? What will people say? Will I ever be able to be normal with anyone again? Sometimes I look at your hands that hold my face lovingly and all I can think is that those same hands are usually on my neck taking me to a dark place between life and death. My wake-up call was the last time you pushed my neck against the furniture, as I begged you to stop but my cries fell to your deaf ears. All I could think was I’m going to die here as you hovered over me making me feel as small as you say I am. I realized then that you do not love me. You were my prison, my drug but I wanted to become sober. I tried to understand you, I truly did but you lost respect for me the minute I let you get away with slapping me cold across my face. You ignored the standards set for how to treat a woman because I wasn’t that anymore, I was your punching bag. You weren’t afraid to lose me because you knew I’d always be here for you to crawl back to. I’m tired of you stripping every part of me you can to the point where I’m crippled and calling it love. This is not love and love does not do this to a person. Love does not drag you by the hair across the room one day and use those same hands to hold you the next. In the depths of your hell, I found my strength, my voice and my freedom.

**This isn’t my story but instead it’s every woman’s story pieced together to make sure their voices are heard.

In South Asian communities, domestic violence is almost seen as a small fight, a small mistake that women are expected to get over. Instead women are given the advice to let their abusers have another chance to treat you right just so you can become a victim over and over again. What’s heartbreaking is seeing women who don’t have the choice to leave because their family is more concerned with what people will say than the well-being of their child, sister, cousin, etc. Is the opinions of people that are not blood and don’t put the roof over your head or food on the table that important that you can risk a life? Yes, she’s living but is she really alive? Yes the wounds heal physically but what about the mental prison she’s being locked in? When a woman confides in her family and friends, when will we stop asking her what she did to cause it? When will we stop telling our daughters, mothers, sisters, aunts and cousins that “your husband beats you but at least he loves you enough to take care of you?” When will we stop justifying the actions of a weak individual as we slowly break the women that we supposedly “love.” There is neither a religion nor culture that promotes these acts of violence. When will we assure them that pride and reputation isn’t bigger than their lives? It’s 2017, it was never okay for a man to lay his hands on you and it’s time we make it known that a man’s hand wasn’t made to abuse a woman with it.

Sometime around mid-April this year, an ad had gone viral in Bangladesh that quickly captured hearts worldwide titled “Hair, the pride of a woman.” It took a close look into the mental impact of a domestic violence victim. The ad was created for Jui, a domestic violence hotline. I would tell you what it’s about but I don’t want to take away the power of the video and the strings that it will pull after you watch it.

Click here to watch:

Whether it’s the men or women of the South Asian, hell any community that chooses to ignore the reality that nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States or whether it’s the refusal to talk about domestic abuse, it needs to stop.

If you believe you or a loved one is currently in an abusive relationship whether it’s verbal, physical or sexual please know that there is help available.

U.S. and Canada: 1-888-799-7233 or visit The National Domestic Violence Hotline

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