Would you believe me if I told you I stared at my laptop screen for over 30 minutes contemplating where to start? I had one of those nights where you choose to make my thoughts, and my mind your home even if I didn’t invite you. I hope you know my memory loves you. It asks about you all the time and every time I let my mind wander, it always comes back to you. You have a habit of doing that, creeping in on nights when I’m alone with my thoughts. Never during the day when the sun is out and I feel like I can conquer the world. No, that would be too easy, right? Everywhere I go I am reminded of you. I see you in every coffee shop, pizza place, and even the local bagel place. If I don’t find you, I find myself looking for you in every restaurant, bar and place full of faces. If I have to I search to find solace in souls you have once touched so maybe I can reconnect with the familiarity of you. Somehow I find my lips reciting your poems over and over again. One for every mood, occasion, outfit and situation.
As I’m sitting here writing this love letter to you, I can’t help but to miss you. I miss your warmth, the kind that touches your skin and makes you feel like you’re the safest place in the world. The funny thing is, you like giving me that illusion, of feeling safe part. Sometimes you get so cold and yet here I thought I was the ice queen. I’m not talking about a cold that makes you shiver. I’m talking about the one where the wind hits you and reaches your bones. The kind that takes the comfort out of your lungs and leaves you feeling alone and barren. You’re probably asking why I always end up at your doorstep but I think you know the answer. What I love most about you is the ability to lose myself in you over and over, and still never know the way. Maybe it’s the wildness in me! No matter what, you always feel like a place I’ve never been before. We have a natural connection, the kind that doesn’t demand me to prove my worth and allows me to be me without question. My soul recognizes a feeling of home in you even if it is always temporary.
Those eyes of yours could swallow stars, galaxies and universes. What hope did I ever have? Your light gives me a feeling I’ve never felt before with anyone else. I love the sense of adventure you spark in me. You remind me that I am just one person in this universe, and keep me close to the pavement when my heads are high in the clouds. At the same time, you give me this confidence, this feeling that I am my own character in a book. You point out the attention I get as soon as I walk into a room. Maybe that’s why we get along so great. We know how to capture hearts, minds and attention for any soul we touch. We have love for people from all over the world and the stories they like to tell. We understand that people will not always love us. They will judge the fine lines that make up who we are. That is okay. Not everyone is meant to love or understand.
You’re not perfect but is anyone? As much as every fiber of my being loves you, you have disappointed me many times. Left me driving around for hours trying to figure out a place to stay still for a couple of hours. I can’t live with you; you don’t give me any space to roam freely in my own home. On top of it you ask for more and more leaving my pockets and heart empty. The only time I’d get air to breathe is if I stepped out, but I eventually have to come lay my head on a pillow, right? Sometimes you even make me feel like you don’t have time for me. You’re too busy in your own world to stop and talk to me even if it’s just small talk. You hate small talk, I know but I’m from the south it’s almost mandatory. You find it strange, my southern ways and I find your Yankee ways just as weird. You like doing that, giving me the illusion of something better. That things will work out and I can find a home in you, but we all know you’ve changed me. I am not the same girl you met but I don’t need to explain to you what edges are torn and what corners are bent. You were there and you made your decisions!
Your response to me telling you how you have let me down is always the same. I am always the one with one foot out the door and leaving you behind. I am always the one ready to leave with my clothes in a suitcase to jet off whenever I see any sign of unhappiness. You tell me I don’t put enough effort but let’s be honest, we wouldn’t work out. I don’t see a future with you. I don’t see the house with kids and dog. It’s just not possible with us. Being with you brings too much uncertainty. The future is never quite clear and I am too scared to live my days away wondering if we’ll work out. You are full of possibilities but I would have to make many sacrifices of my own that I don’t know if I’m ready to make. I don’t know if I can sacrifice myself, my comfort and who I am to be with you.
I love you but I can’t be with you no matter how bad I want it to work.
You are my star-crossed lover, New York and I’ll always love you.
Love,
The Bengali Belle 