Is it possible to feel like your entire stomach is going to jump out of your body? As if you’re living your life through your dreams. As I sat on the plane, trying to focus on Option B by Sheryl Sandberg, my mind had several light bulbs flashing so I did what I do best, write. There’s always too many thoughts but not enough crevices to store them
If you’re curious, I’m on my way to my star crossed lover. Ah yes, the infamous lover that causes my mischievous smile to stick on my face until the subject changes. The one where I am absolutely engulfed with, whether I am sitting right next to him or in my mid-rise in River Oaks. The one where people always ask what I find so magical about as if I don’t see the flaws. You tell me how I could not be completely taken by this love. It’s one I’ve known for ages. The beginning and end of all my stories. There’s a pocket in my heart where this love sits possibly for all of time.
That lover, for all my new readers is the concrete jungle itself. New York has always held such significant life changes for me. It was the first sidewalk my tiny feet touched when we landed from Bangladesh. We weren’t here very long as my father wanted to raise us closer to Bengali values which he found solace in the South. I remember the first time I left it. Staring out of the window wondering if I’d ever be back as hopeful a 5 year old little girl could be. Although I planted very well in Texas and don’t know anything else from it I waited for the day I’d be reunited. Ten years later we met up and I was in love all over again. Pure teenage joy of excitement and staying up until the stars were greeted by the sun. Everything was so different but I knew the South truly held my heart. Before I walked away again I gave a piece of myself to this city that I know now I’ll never get back. Five years after that I saw my old friend who now seemed more to me as a lover as I entered my twenties. That teenage puppy love turned into my first real love. It was more than just hellos and goodbyes. No longer did dates consist of small pizzerias and ice cream. It evolved to 4 course meals, walks through Central Park after stopping by Absolute Bagels and of course boutique shopping in the Upper East Side. I couldn’t help it, this love touched every part of me in a ways I didn’t know existed. Brought out life that I had lost through the troubles I was going through. I remember coming back a year later and being in a place of confusion that this city reminded me once again of who I am and could be.
A couple of years passed by as I got caught up with life, new love and adventure but in the back of my mind I always wondered how it was doing. Had it changed? Did it touch others the way it did me? I remember going through my breakup last year, lost, a little torn apart and what better lover to come running to than the one that knows me in every life stage. So what better person to see after a break up than New York City itself. It was the medicine I needed to revive. After a whirlwind of a couple of days I knew Texas was waiting for me at home. It was then the heartbreak I needed to go through to be the person sitting on this flight going back to it as a changed woman.
Even though it is the end of fall, it feels like spring in my heart. This time I am coming to the city with a fresh face and healed heart. It’s funny how I end up in this city in very important, earthquake moments in my life. This time New York, I’m embarking on a new chapter and I know you’ll be proud to see how far I’ve come.
XOXO,
The Bengali Belle 