The Bengali Belle

Hello Old Friend

It seems that you’ve chosen to visit me once again, more frequently than ever before. I wish I could go back to the days where I didn’t know you. At least the days where you were a stranger even though we ran into each other many days, months and years. At least those days when I caught eyes with you there was no feelings just another face in the sea of the unknown. Tonight, is not as worse as it usually can get with you. You know the ones where you close in all around me with a fear I can’t describe. I try to divert my attention, but you take over like a storm seeping your way into all the nooks and crannies you can find in me. Infesting my thoughts throwing my mind where I’m left feeling unsettled and unavailable to grab everyone’s attempts to help me climb out of this. My head hurts, my heart is beating 100 mph and so loudly I fear the entire city can me being taken over by you. Sometimes I find myself the brink of crying, as I beg you to leave my thoughts and stop visiting me in the night when the world is tucked away.

Of course, you would choose the nights I am alone at home. I do everything to avoid your darkness. I light candles, take baths, listen to soothing music but you’ve already declared it a night of being sucked into your black hole before you enter my mind. I wonder why you’ve chosen me to be your victim. If I could I’d rewind to the day we met, and I’d ran so fast and so far. You came into my life like a hurricane. Slowly dancing your way to me and as soon as you took your hands and brushed my skin, I knew I was in trouble. I try to hide it from everyone, so they do not notice the earthquakes in my voice or the tsunamis in my eyes or the drought in my heart the minute your name is echoed in the room. Sometimes I have no words to describe you. How do I simply tell them about the storm that throws me on the very edge of this world, shaking me to my core and making my question my very self. That I want to throw myself under the covers but how can I hide from my very thoughts? How do I tell people that you make me feel like I’m jumping out of a plane with no security blanket or a parachute to save me from myself?

I remember the day I found my solution to deal with your repercussions. I decided to find a therapist to help me learn how to breathe without your weight. To help me heal the scars but also to understand where they came from. To teach me that life can and will go on even if you occasionally haunt me in the darkest nights where even the stars cannot reach out to me. To walk me through the journey of dealing with the energy you bring to my life that it’s okay to be scared but I have to go out there, open up, love, make mistakes, learn and be stronger so I can start all over again without you.

Anxiety, I know you’ll always be watching me, lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce in my darkest hours but I will be ready to handle you. Deal with you with open arms with an army of support from my family, friends and your enemy, my therapist.

Mental health is a part of your self-care. It should be on the list of baths, candles, chocolates to whatever it is that you do for yourself to ensure you sanity. Think about the next time you tell someone “It’s just in your head” or “Just breathe.” That is high insensitive and disrespectful. Do you know how many nights I’ve laid down with the bit of my stomach doing back flips as if I’m at the edge of the building not sure I’ll survive the fall? Nights where I’m just doing my usual routine and I can feel it crawl up making me feel uneasy for no absolute reason? It was not until recently that I’ve seeked professionally help because it took me 24 years to realize that these feelings I had a name for itself just as every storm does. Mine in particular is Anxiety. The South Asian community is very unfamiliar with anxiety with people passing it off as a first world problem or a simple “it’s all in your head” Yes, it is all in my head and although I’ve found ways to handle it I cannot control it just by wishing I didn’t have it.

I can’t stress enough how much therapy has helped me. It’s made me even realize where a lot of my anxiety attacks come from the reason for my behavior before it all boils over. There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. You are almost robbing yourself of sanity if you are not seeing someone to talk you back to the mainland so you are no longer dancing on the edge unsure if the wind will push you over to the dark abyss.

Now more than ever it seems that anxiety and depression have been our house guests more than anyone else, not by choice. Seek help, say no when things don’t serve you and know sometimes it’s okay to just go through the emotions. Finally, LOVE YOURSELF. Find what makes you smile, laugh, tick and everything in between and pour love in all places within you.

Love 6ft Apart,