I know I’ve taken quite a hiatus but always back with waves, at least I like to think so. Let’s get to it. Last Saturday, May 1st I was getting ready for Julep’s Derby Party and I grab my phone to check Instagram and it says my account is disabled. Mind you, my Instagram is pretty kosher and the last thing I posted was my niece so I was shocked that this happened. I spent the next hour or two researching and either I was a part of some bug that disabled thousands accounts that weekend (according to Twitter) or someone just hates me. I’m going to hope it’s just a bug.
So you don’t have to spend your morning freaking out, I can tell you what to do so you can get your account back.
First, when you try to log in they should send you a code on your phone to appeal the decision. Here is the link that worked for me. I also watched Annabelle the PhD Student’s YouTube video. Do NOT pay anyone, those are scammers.
You should then receive an email from Facebook that requests you take a photo with you holding a a handwritten sign with the code in the email, your name and Instagram handle. It’s important that they see both hands in the photo, not sure why that’s required.
Tuesday morning on May 4th, I received an email from Facebook asking me to make sure I’m logged off of Instagram on both mobile and desktop. I then followed a link provided in the same email and had to reset my password.
I know I’ve been lucky as I’ve seen other people have to deal with this inconvenience for weeks. I will say the most devastating feeling was realizing I lost all my memories and surprisingly not so addicted to it as much as I thought I would be. Also, Instagram is the WORST platform to get ahold of which is why the Facebook link worked for me. It was so frustrating because I tried using the links Instagram asks you to use but then when I would put in my username it would say “user does not exist”
If you have any questions feel free to email me or DM on Instagram since I’m no longer disabled.
In the middle of the abyss, I couldn’t help but wonder was it smart to put all my hope in one boat? I’m not sure what brought it on, the boat drifting in the middle of the ocean or the fact that we were letting the wind take us where it pleases. Was this a metaphor of my life? Was I supposed to let the Captain take control and handle the direction of where I was going?
Anytime I find myself in a pool of questions with no life raft, the universe seems to whisper my thoughts to every wave passing by. I had a billion scenarios in my head but there was only one that mattered. Was I happy? Happiness is such an allurement to distract you from any logical thought process. Just think of all the times we did something with the rationalization that it partakes in our form of “Happy”.
Am I happy? Of course. Was I scared that I may drown without a life jacket? 100%. But I can’t live my life in fear of one of my many scenarios coming on shore nor could I get off his boat wondering for the rest of my days if it was the one to take me home.
Sometimes we just have to set sail and trust that we’ll move with the currents as the sunset welcomes us home at dock.
I know I’ve taken quite a hiatus as my closed chapter with Mr.Big has pushed me to fly to California and keep my social life more busy than usual. I’ve even stepped out of my usual comfort zone to just truly live. It’s the first day of fall in Houston and it was less about the turn of leaf colors and more so the change of weather. In these crazy times my sleeping habits have seemed to be social distancing from my regular schedule. During this excruciating ritual of tossing and turning, lowering the temperature or reading, my mind decided to wander on a very particular subject, Ex’s. In the lieu of quarantine, I’ve seen this pop up a lot on memes, podcasts and for research I watched Season 2, ep. 18 from Sex and the City. All this time we have with our schedules completely out of wack and some of us are reaching for our phones to rekindle with the person we once laid next to. I couldn’t help but wonder…can you be just friends with an ex? Is it possible to take a relationship that was once so intimate and mold it so it fits in the friendzone?
Personally, I feel as though a friendship with an ex isn’t possible unless kids are involved but life isn’t black and grey. I’m not a huge supporter of keeping a bond that I feel like is a privilege you lose once you break up. I haven’t seen Mr. Big in what seems like ages and I honestly have no inkling to do so. Once in a while we text. If I ran into him, would I say hello and grab a cup of coffee? Possibly. Would I go out of my way to have lunch or dinner, no. I also don’t think we will be friends forever and as time progresses we probably will not keep in touch anymore.
Some can argue there’s a lot of factors to play in here. Do they have kids together? In that case, it’s healthy and shows maturity. Was the relationship toxic? How did they break up? How often do they hang out and does it cut into your time with them? Did they take time apart to get over each other? Who broke up with who? Are there clear boundaries set? Do they talk frequently? Most importantly, are they willing to meet you, the new love interest? I’ve seen a lot of mixed reactions on this subject. If you want my opinion, I don’t believe being friends with your ex. I personally think keeping a solid friendship with an ex we don’t share children with is like holding on to something that will never be vintage; just go out of style. It could be feelings you never got over, the unwillingness to let go or a part of yourself you miss. Whatever the reason, I don’t see one good enough to choose my past over my present because that’s what I feel like we are essentially doing if we refuse to let go.
I truly believe life, emotions are never really black and white but this is something that everyone handles differently. Whatever it is you choose, make sure it is something you do for yourself.
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My favorite canvas to paint on is the bed you lay on next to me on. As you take your fingers to slowly paint the places you love the most. Every touch is so full of intention that each brush stroke feels like an ancient technique. I can’t help but to trace every inch of your skin until it becomes the only drawing etched in my memory. Your body speaks to me in every language that leaves my lips as I try to explain my source of inspiration for this form of art. As you pull my hips closer to yours to align the colors before they burst into an euphoric creation, I whispered “This is art”
A few weeks ago I was talking to my friend KJ, whom I’ve been close friends with for the last 5 years. Well, an hour had passed by and we realized we were chatting away without realizing it. We had dived in conversations regarding dating, relationships to family and friendships. So naturally, we decided to do THE most and start a podcast together.
In 2018 on New Years Eve I was getting ready to go out with my friends to a ballroom party filled with the River Oaks socialites. Entering 2019, I knew I needed to work on myself. I was fresh out of a break up. It was like I was learning to walk again entering the year completely shattered and heartbroken would be a lie. It was the beginning of self-discovery, again. I always wanted to do a trip to Napa so in January 2019 a couple of friends and I went to the trip that I really needed. Julia Roberts went to Italy to eat and drink wine and I went to Napa. The whole year was about traveling and giving cities I once threw to the side because of one bad occurrence another chance. It was the year of kissing a lot of frogs and Mr. VERY Wrong or Mr. Just Right Now. I had given up on love and relationships when I met Mr. Big. 2019 started off on a foot of questioning love, life and my future but it ended with the promise of continuous self-improvement. Oh and a New Year’s kiss tucked away in a corner at very cute french bar in Montreal with Big.
I actually had to FaceTime all my friends and family who were together without me miles away. I thought to myself at the time that this would be my future given Big lives beyond the Mason Dixon Line and hopefully one day I can join him. Little did I know fast forward to March 2020 FaceTiming family and friends is literally the way of life. I was wrong to think 2019 was my Eat, Pray and Love year. 2020 is apparently the surprise lesson that we are all getting.
When Big was here and I had my head lying on his chest I realized we had gone over a hump in our relationship. The time mark that makes everything more real than ever. I held onto him tightly as I knew our moments together were fleeting. To be honest it was the moment that Big walked towards the door of his apartment the last morning I saw him was when I realized that I hadn’t truly given all of my heart to him until that moment. What was it like? It’s a weird looming cloud that has the sun poking out telling you brighter days are yet to come and the moon comforting you that the nights will be rough but will pass. Big is everything and anything I could conjure up if you asked me what my perfect man is. Everything except here physically but I’d rather feel every inch of every mile between us than have anyone else that would love me with 1/8 of what he gives me planets apart. That is the love aspect.
2020 is not only my year of Eat, Pray and Love but it should be yours too. We have all this time to self reflect and really dig deep within the crevices of what makes up our soul. Don’t’ worry I didn’t go to a priest a Bali so you can’t just write this off as some religious ya-ya. I’ve been eating more too but trying to be more conscious. To be honest, eat as you would love. Take and give your body what you think is needed for your own sanity because we all know that this quarantine lifestyle is the playpen for anxiety and depression. Aside from perfecting my chocolate chip receipe I started to pray. I know, shocker. I’m not a religious nut but I’m pretty spiritual. Through all this madness, I figured it was time I started talking to him again, you know God. I just do it for my own sanity, to pray for the people I love and to find some kind of balance through the rain showers that don’t take a moment to sit in the clouds.
2020 is the year of Eat, Pray and Love. If you don’t pray, substitute for something else but I hope you’re stilling eating and loving to your hearts content.
It seems that you’ve chosen to visit me once again, more frequently than ever before. I wish I could go back to the days where I didn’t know you. At least the days where you were a stranger even though we ran into each other many days, months and years. At least those days when I caught eyes with you there was no feelings just another face in the sea of the unknown. Tonight, is not as worse as it usually can get with you. You know the ones where you close in all around me with a fear I can’t describe. I try to divert my attention, but you take over like a storm seeping your way into all the nooks and crannies you can find in me. Infesting my thoughts throwing my mind where I’m left feeling unsettled and unavailable to grab everyone’s attempts to help me climb out of this. My head hurts, my heart is beating 100 mph and so loudly I fear the entire city can me being taken over by you. Sometimes I find myself the brink of crying, as I beg you to leave my thoughts and stop visiting me in the night when the world is tucked away.
Of course, you would choose the nights I am alone at home. I do everything to avoid your darkness. I light candles, take baths, listen to soothing music but you’ve already declared it a night of being sucked into your black hole before you enter my mind. I wonder why you’ve chosen me to be your victim. If I could I’d rewind to the day we met, and I’d ran so fast and so far. You came into my life like a hurricane. Slowly dancing your way to me and as soon as you took your hands and brushed my skin, I knew I was in trouble. I try to hide it from everyone, so they do not notice the earthquakes in my voice or the tsunamis in my eyes or the drought in my heart the minute your name is echoed in the room. Sometimes I have no words to describe you. How do I simply tell them about the storm that throws me on the very edge of this world, shaking me to my core and making my question my very self. That I want to throw myself under the covers but how can I hide from my very thoughts? How do I tell people that you make me feel like I’m jumping out of a plane with no security blanket or a parachute to save me from myself?
I remember the day I found my solution to deal with your repercussions. I decided to find a therapist to help me learn how to breathe without your weight. To help me heal the scars but also to understand where they came from. To teach me that life can and will go on even if you occasionally haunt me in the darkest nights where even the stars cannot reach out to me. To walk me through the journey of dealing with the energy you bring to my life that it’s okay to be scared but I have to go out there, open up, love, make mistakes, learn and be stronger so I can start all over again without you.
Anxiety, I know you’ll always be watching me, lurking in the shadows, waiting to pounce in my darkest hours but I will be ready to handle you. Deal with you with open arms with an army of support from my family, friends and your enemy, my therapist.
Mental health is a part of your self-care. It should be on the list of baths, candles, chocolates to whatever it is that you do for yourself to ensure you sanity. Think about the next time you tell someone “It’s just in your head” or “Just breathe.” That is high insensitive and disrespectful. Do you know how many nights I’ve laid down with the bit of my stomach doing back flips as if I’m at the edge of the building not sure I’ll survive the fall? Nights where I’m just doing my usual routine and I can feel it crawl up making me feel uneasy for no absolute reason? It was not until recently that I’ve seeked professionally help because it took me 24 years to realize that these feelings I had a name for itself just as every storm does. Mine in particular is Anxiety. The South Asian community is very unfamiliar with anxiety with people passing it off as a first world problem or a simple “it’s all in your head” Yes, it is all in my head and although I’ve found ways to handle it I cannot control it just by wishing I didn’t have it.
I can’t stress enough how much therapy has helped me. It’s made me even realize where a lot of my anxiety attacks come from the reason for my behavior before it all boils over. There is nothing wrong with seeing a therapist. You are almost robbing yourself of sanity if you are not seeing someone to talk you back to the mainland so you are no longer dancing on the edge unsure if the wind will push you over to the dark abyss.
Now more than ever it seems that anxiety and depression have been our house guests more than anyone else, not by choice. Seek help, say no when things don’t serve you and know sometimes it’s okay to just go through the emotions. Finally, LOVE YOURSELF. Find what makes you smile, laugh, tick and everything in between and pour love in all places within you.
There are so many articles, podcasts, movies and books about how difficult long distance relationships can be but I didn’t pay attention to any of that when Mr. Big came into my life. It wasn’t your love at first sight or the instant ramen noodle relationship. Big was charming in his own way. In the beginning whether it was my naivety or his sleekness I couldn’t quite tell if he was into me or just wanted to be friends. I think I just answered my own question, what man would want to be just friends with a woman he met out in the wild. Anyways, back to Big. He was everything I wrote in my journals as a little girl and would pray to God to put in my life only when he felt I was ready. I wasn’t looking for anything when I met him. Actually, I wanted to “focus on myself,” I know so cliché but it’s the truth. He is who I envision will put on my Cinderella heels, to all my Sex and the City fans, the Manolo Blahnik Hangisi 115 mm Satin Crystal Toe Pumps.
To be honest, I thought wow this is perfect given that I’m someone that doesn’t always feel the need to be with their significant other 24/7. In reality, this is much more difficult than what I cut it out to be. I know what you’re thinking. Hello, who didn’t warn you either personally or virtually but it was either distance or let go of my dream man. Long distance relationships mean you slowly carve out your heart with a butter knife and replace it with texts, DMs and FaceTime. In better words what all of you are experiencing during quarantine but all the time. I’m thankful for technology as we can still communicate but it’s just not the same having him here even moments where we get on each other’s nerves. I’d take those downs and trade them for every mile I feel between us.
I’m not even being greedy. I’d take a few days out of the week if I can’t get everyday to just sit and have dinner together as Big tells me about his day. I remember the last morning I saw Big as he got ready for his morning flight. My eyes were barely open but I could see him moving across the room thinking as he put his last minute essentials in his bag. I love watching him in the mornings, it’s something I’ve never really enjoyed doing with anyone else. Maybe it’s the way he moves or maybe it’s my craving to cherish the few scenes we share together. At the end he usually walks over and gives me a kiss before starting his day.
Given the current situation, I’m not sure when I’ll see Big again. 30 days? 2 months? Who really knows. I couldn’t help but wonder, was I addicted to the unattainable? It wasn’t the part of him not being here that I was used to. It’s the feeling of having him for days on end for once and watching him go. I guess in any long distance and now in the world of quarantine relationships we can have to pick a day and hope to be back in bed with his head on my lap as I stroke his hair to fall asleep.
Although, I struggle with it at times I’m sitting home alone on my couch missing simple moments like watching TV with Big, the thought of having someone who loves you and chooses you every single day even when they’re far away from you, is the most precious thing. In the end it’ll all be worth it, at least that’s what I hope for.
For all my readers alone without the rest of your heart, how do you keep sane?
Hi Everyone, I know I’ve taken quite a hiatus but always back with waves, at least I like to think so. Let’s get to it. Last Saturday, May 1st I was getting ready for Julep’s Derby Party and I grab my phone to check Instagram and it says my account is disabled. Mind you, myContinue reading “Instagram Disabled: How to Get It Back”
In the middle of the abyss, I couldn’t help but wonder was it smart to put all my hope in one boat? I’m not sure what brought it on, the boat drifting in the middle of the ocean or the fact that we were letting the wind take us where it pleases. Was this aContinue reading “Set Sail”
Hello Lovelies, I know I’ve taken quite a hiatus as my closed chapter with Mr.Big has pushed me to fly to California and keep my social life more busy than usual. I’ve even stepped out of my usual comfort zone to just truly live. It’s the first day of fall in Houston and it wasContinue reading “Ex and the City”
Don’t worry I won’t start this with the normal small talk everyone’s doing. We went from talking about weather to saying things like “It’s a crazy time right now” to “Are you stocked on toilet paper” and then nervously laughing because none of us have any clue what to do. There’s not guidelines to this. There’s no “How to survive COVID-19” dummy books or YouTube step-by-step video on the essentials to survive a pandemic. Anyone try researching the Spanish Flu? I doubt that’s helping you.
Anyways, I’m writing to you because I was talking to one of my best friends, Dante over FaceTime and asked him “How are you?” I retracted that immediately as I answered my own question and thought I mean how do I think anyone is doing. It’s such a strange question to ask right now when normally it’s considered thoughtful. Let’s think about it. When someone experiences a loved one passing its insensitive to ask them how they are doing. Their mental health and state of being obviously is as dark and meek as the selected all black funeral they managed to throw on and seem put together.
So let’s all be a bit more creative with our questions for our friends and family. There are so many of us who have lost jobs, away from our loved ones and for all my fellow extroverts out there, slowly dying on the inside.
Here are some questions I suggest you start your conversations off with:
How have you been passing your time?
What are you doing to maintain your sanity/mental health?
What hobbies have you picked up or decided to focus on?
What’s the first thing you’d want to do after this is over and the first place you would go?
What are some movie/TV shows you recommend based on my interest in ________?
What has this quarantine taught you about yourself/family/person you are confined with?
What’s something so basic that you miss the most?
There’s more but I’m sure these will be a great ice breaker to the alternative. I hope everyone is staying safe and at home wherever that is. I’ll be writing more frequently.