Back To Black

Do you remember that night you met me? Did you think we would be here today when your eyes locked mine and you flashed me your infamous mischievous smile? It sounds crazy but I knew from the first time I saw you that you were trouble. I just felt it, not even sure what it was but I was instantly drawn to you. Naturally of course, I either find trouble or it finds me. I wish I could tell you what it was but I haven’t even figured that out myself. No, it wasn’t something obvious like you would assume. It was just your energy or an ancient kinship but it seemed as if we had met centuries ago. I think some souls have a way of finding each other without our knowledge. Were you drawn to me because you could see I was as broken as you? Did you see the hidden scars and bruises I covered in my black lace dress that no one else could?  If you had told me that very night, that I would be here, laying on my bed thinking of you I would laugh at your face. Yet here I am, wondering what you’re doing and if I cross your thoughts as much as you stay in mine.

You were like the whirlwind of an adventure. I wanted to touch every inch of your soul and pass every night in your warmth. I tried to stop myself many times but I couldn’t. What was it about you that every emotion I dug in the grave decided to rise with every word that slipped your lips? I still have no clue no matter how many times I sat in the silence of the night trying to figure us out. I had never met someone who felt like home yet kept me on the edge of my heart. It was as if I was at the end of the cliff as the wind slowly blew me closer out. You made me feel so alive and I just wanted to run to every corner in the world with you. You see, this heart of mine doesn’t like to be attached and you put the fear in me. The fear of attachment and falling for you knowing you could create craters in my heart that I’d never be able to heal from. I didn’t want that and as the days passed I could feel your effortless charm draw me in. I knew what I was getting myself into, we both did but here I found myself feeling more vulnerable than I had planned and the only thing I could think of doing is running the other way.

I remember that very moment when I promised myself not to fall in your cobwebs of confusion again. It was the end of winter as the sweet spring air took over brushing against my skin like a warm chiffon kimono draping my body. I kept thinking that like the weather, my skin was warming up but my heart was returning to the bitterness of winter. Your departure stained me. It left a mark that no matter how many times I tried to rub off it kept reappearing. Months passed by where things would remind me of you whether it was songs you played for me or places where I could still hear our laughter ringing in every corner. I tried to keep myself busy with anything I could think of from new hobbies, to working more or just attending as many social events to escape the thought of you. Every man I came across I looked for you and when I couldn’t find any trace of your soul I got frustrated. But time forced me to pause every now and then and I couldn’t help but picture your brown eyes piercing mine and your smile crawling to the other half of your face causing my heart to beat ten times faster as everything around us disappeared. Regardless of my mind randomly playing all your records, I learned how to live without you. In your absence, I found a new level of happiness I’ve never discovered before. I was finally okay. I could breathe in ease knowing there was nothing and no one weighing me down.  I didn’t need anything and there was no one affecting the waves I was riding. What else could I ask for, right? That didn’t last very long.

I hate that I come back to your calling after months of trying to convince myself you were a mere illusion my heart created. But here I am once again, with all my hard exteriors on the floor with my face softened and your firm arms wrapped around my waist, as if it’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. As I lay my head closer to your chest and look up towards your face waiting for those soft kisses you used to plant on my cheeks, I questioned how I ended up in your warmth all over again. You’re not much for grand entrances. We fall into the nooks and crannies of each other so naturally like this bond was carved out of the earth. You flow as the rivers effortlessly as if that’s what you were put on this earth to do and that’s how you entered my life once again. It’s not something just physical although when I see you there’s a fire in me that could burn this whole planet. I almost wish it were just that, so this rush of emotions wouldn’t consume my entire existence. As we lay here and I stroke your face by running my finger over every pore wondering how I made it through all those months without this. It was then that I could feel it. Every emotion, some which I didn’t even know I had came back like flooding waters and there I was lying next to you drowning in your abyss. As you lock your arms around my body pulling me closer I look up and wonder how long this will be home. Did you miss my body as much as I missed yours pressed against my skin and making me feel like holding on to the night as long as possible? My heart rehearsed all the notes that played from yours, hoping that it will sing all your favorite lullabies. The universe knew all along, didn’t it?  It knew our story and watched as we tripped here and escaped there only to meet up again.

You always knew when I had too much on my mind and drifted into my thoughts. How did you learn to read me so well as if I was your favorite book and every word on every page might as well have been something you wrote? We never really needed words to communicate with one another. It’s like you just knew every thought that crossed my mind with every sigh that escaped my mouth and the slight curve in my eyebrows as I looked up at you with my big brown eyes for answers only you hold. I knew then that you had the power of understanding me like no other. Whatever we have goes beyond language because the silence is extraordinary. Even your stillness speaks. When others found me in a foreign language, you make me realize I’m your mother tongue. I hate that you tear down all the walls I spent years to build and throw me in the cold winds, naked as the goose bumps appear all over my skin with no choice but to feel. I’m not even sure what to call this or us but if anything you’ve taught me to just feel without overthinking. You’re nothing like what I’d imagine but here I am falling deeper into the comfort of your soul.

As I’m running my fingers from your shoulder to every crease of your muscles I realized what it is that you validate for me. I don’t think you even know how many scars you’ve helped me patch up.  You allowed me to be free without labels or restrictions. You held my hand and walked me into this world where all the wounds he left were healed by your assurance. So many people told me I was too wild to be tamed, too crazy but you embraced it. You didn’t stop me or try to hold me back but instead you grabbed me to run wildly right next to you. Everything that we experienced brought us here, once again lying next to each other as if this was our daily routine. It gave me a chance to be grateful for what I have, don’t have and what I seek. Thank you for loving my wildness and playing out every crazy idea that crossed my mind. I don’t think anyone has ever made me feel so free to be who I truly am with no limitations. The person that was chained and kept shut because of him that you unleashed. Whether you knew it or not your mission was to help me, guide me, and bring out the emotions I locked away years ago hidden deep inside.

There have been countless minutes, hours and weeks dedicated to trying to figure out why I go back to you even after convincing myself to stay away for good. Why do I step into your ocean when I know the depth and strength of your waves that tug my heart in directions I never wanted to discover? I know you are broken too and that is probably why you are as drawn to me as I am drawn to you. I know you live in fear of your own emotions just as I hide in the cave of mine. The messiness and hurt from our pasts drove us here out in the unknown. That same hurt connected us at a level that I cannot go with anyone else. The scars written so deeply into my cells that no one can see is only recognizable because they are the same ones you cover up in yourself.  I’m not sure if I help you as much as you unknowingly help me but there’s a reason we find ourselves back here over and over again. I don’t know what to call this. Some may assume its love but to me there is no title, no emotion and no name for us. We just merely exist in this world we created long ago. Although I don’t know if your stay will be temporary, it’s hard not to be wrapped in you at 3 a.m. when the dark is too much and I need you to be real when nothing else is.

Maybe it’s not our time to meet face to face but I know our souls will dance together no matter what world, what century, what universe Maybe we’ll meet again when we’re not so broken. Maybe then I won’t need validation from you because all my self-doubt will be gone and I will just want you to lock your fingers with mine as you sit with me watching our lives pass by. Maybe it won’t be so hard for you to just stay and not leave me in the darkness of your absence. I hope to meet again in between night and day, beyond the moon at the edge of life itself. To reconnect because no one has ever caught my heart quite the same way and I wish I could end this by giving you all the answers you seek in me just as I stay lost in you but I can’t. That is what you do for me and beyond the ocean of self-discovery I seem to always find you there smiling waiting for me.

We all have that person we seem to go back to but why? Even with the known risks, scars and fear we find ourselves diving into the shallow waters without really knowing how to come back to life. As you were reading this I’m guessing you’re wondering who this was for, who he is but this isn’t about only me. It’s about the person that popped up in your head as your read the words that painted the face you are looking for even when you’re surrounded by people. We tend to have that one person that we lock our hearts with but we cannot give any clarification as to why. We run back in the comfort of their arms knowing all the thorns that cut into our hearts. We look to that one person to validate something about ourselves that we doubt. So, what are we looking for? Love? Comfort? Intimacy? Maybe it’s the fact that you know the situation you’re getting yourself into. You know all the curves, bumps and holes of going down that path whereas with a new person everything is a mystery. Maybe it’s the fire that they light in you that you have not figured out how to create yourself. Don’t worry we all get lost but eventually we hope to find ourselves in the middle of it all. Everyone has their reasons but next time you find yourself tangled in blankets looking up at their face for answers; think about why you’re there. Think about what you are truly searching for in them that you can possibly find in yourself.


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Published by The Bengali Belle

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