There are so many articles, podcasts, movies and books about how difficult long distance relationships can be but I didn’t pay attention to any of that when Mr. Big came into my life. It wasn’t your love at first sight or the instant ramen noodle relationship. Big was charming in his own way. In the beginning whether it was my naivety or his sleekness I couldn’t quite tell if he was into me or just wanted to be friends. I think just answered my own question, what man would want to be just friends with a woman he met out in the wild. Anyways, back to Big. He was everything I wrote in my journals as a little girl and would pray to God to put in my life only when he felt I was ready. I wasn’t looking for anything when I met him. Actually, I wanted to “focus on myself,” I know so cliché but it’s the truth. He is who I envison will put on my Cinderella heels, to all my Sex and the City fans, the Manolo Blahnik Hangisi 115 mm Satin Crystal Toe Pumps.
To be honest, I thought wow this is perfect given that I’m someone that doesn’t always feel the need to be with their significant other 24/7. In reality, this is much more difficult than what I cut it out to be. I know what you’re thinking. Hello, who didn’t warn you either personally or virtually but it was either distance or let go of my dream man. Long distance relationships mean you slowly carve out your heart with a butter knife and replace it with texts, DMs and FaceTime. In better words what all of you are experiencing during quarantine but all the time. I’m thankful for technology as we can still communicate but it’s just not the same having him here even moments where we get on each other’s nerves. I’d take those downs and trade them for every mile I feel between us.
I’m not even being greedy. I’d take a few days out of the week if I can’t get everyday to just sit and have dinner together as Big tells me about his day. I remember the last morning I saw Big as he got ready for his morning flight. My eyes were barely open but I could see him moving across the room thinking as he put his last minute essentials in his bag. I love watching him in the mornings, it’s something I’ve never really enjoyed doing with anyone else. Maybe it’s the way he moves or maybe it’s my craving to cherish the few scenes we share together. At the end he usually walks over and gives me a kiss before starting his day.
Given the current situation, I’m not sure when I’ll see Big again. 30 days? 2 months? Who really knows. I couldn’t help but wonder, was I addicted to the unattainable? It wasn’t the part of him not being here that I was used to. It’s the feeling of having him for days on end for once and watching him go. I guess in any long distance and now in the world of quarantine relationships we can have to pick a day and hope to be back in bed with his head on my lap as I stroke his hair to fall asleep.
Although, I struggle with it at times I’m sitting home alone on my couch missing simple moments like watching TV with Big, the thought of having someone who loves you and chooses you every single day even when they’re far away from you, is the most precious thing. In the end it’ll all be worth it, at least that’s what I hope for.
For all my readers alone without the rest of your heart, how do you keep sane?
Love 6 Feet Apart,
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