Morning Glory

As soon as the sun rises and I open my eyes welcoming another day, my mind finds you sitting there knowing I’ll grab you the first moment I get. It’s hard starting my days without you. It’s as if life and light doesn’t exist if you don’t consume me, sometimes burning my tongue on the way. That doesn’t stop me. Some days I love you pure, no additions. Most days you need a little bit of sugar before I let you touch my lips. The days where you are not present seem to drag and throw my thoughts out of order as I try to put pieces together to form a sentence. There are times where people ask me if you’ve been absent from the wounds I create with the ice in my words. An addiction they call you. To me you’re, just coffee ❤️


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First Love

When I ask you to name your first love, I’m hoping you eagerly say your own. Imagine how beautiful it would be if your heart was proud of itself?

If it remembered that the Universe gave up time with the moon and sun to create you from its celestial pieces. All this magic, just so you can be here. So love yourself and be here exactly the way you want to be. Make art wherever the color strikes you, dance into full bloom to your own rhythm, and hold on to whatever shakes the inner workings of your soul. Don’t ponder over the mess life may have created because you were born from the chaos of this world. Turn your energy into everything you wish to weave as the Universe has done with you.

So when I ask you of your first love, I hope you whisper yours to the world. 


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Ami Bangali (I am Bengali)

Where are you from? That question is possibly the most familiar chorus I’ve heard my entire life. From people all over this country to those who speak my mother tongue. My question is where do I start? The early days when my khaki wrapped the shari around me and adorned me with gold necklaces bigger than my two year old body. To my uncles sneaking shondesh taking me to a heaven not sung in english. To the teep (bindi) placed on me at various events and kaacher churis (glasss bangles) clinking against themselves as I danced to Habib. Nupurs letting all of Bangladesh know I was playing in my Dada’s bharinda. The aroma of the traditional dishes from maach, daal, bhaath to malai chingri my mother presented us with. My dad calling me from the living room, “Mow-tushi, ekane asho” to my uncles hugging me as they lovingly asked me “Mamuni, tumi khecho?” To my entire gushti begging me to cool my temper, “Arey baba, etho raag?” To my mom threatening to put thanda pani (cold water) all over me to get rid of the attitude.

I was painted by the rhong (color) of Bengali culture and traditions. Eyes made of amber & onyx. Dipped in holud (tumeric) and shuna (gold). Weaved in the melodies of Rabindra Sangeet. Graced my body to flow to the rhythms of Bengal. Learned to speak as if mishti was curated from my lips. Bhondu, when you ask me, Tumi ki Bangali? Bangla bhlolthe paro? How do I answer you with a simple yes? When my roots flow effortlessly all the way to the vibrancy of Kolkata (Calcutta).


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Fluent Language

I see the way you look at me. Singing love songs with your eyes. Undressing my soul where I’m left with no choice but to show you everything I keep hidden from the world. Our eyes speak novels to each other our words could never muster up. This language is unfamiliar to me but never leaves me guessing what you mean. Sometimes I wonder what you see, when I catch you staring at me. Do my eyes tell stories you’ve never heard before? It’s as if you search for answers to questions that have never been answered. And as you grab my hand gesturing our first dance in the middle of your kitchen, I’ve become fluent to this dialect so foreign yet brings me to whisper to you in Bangla.


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Relationships in 2019: All That Podcast Featuring Yours Truly as a Guest

So recently, on Facebook my friend Khyrie posted a comment about reaching a certain financial marker before thinking about marriage. From there we talked and he invited me to be a guest on his podcast, All That Podcast. The podcast has an audience of thousands from 15 different countries. We talk love, relationships, cheating, men and women and much more. He even asks me a questions that almost threw me off my seat but I answered honestly to give our listeners the truth rather than the usual sugar coating.

Links below to check it out:


Let me know any questions, comments or feedback you guys have. I would love to do more of this and incorporate topics suggested from y’all!


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A Song For You

As I boarded the plane my stomach felt like it was doing cartwheels and my anxiety seemed to be climbing a mountain with every minute. This wasn’t a bad feeling but more of an over excitement of seeing you after so long. It felt like ages had passed by since I last touched your face and stroked my hand over the stubble where your beard once called home. I was so excited, but I wanted to play it cool, so you don’t feel like I’m smothering you with my presence. I wonder if you remember me the way I remember you. Do you miss the curves of my body and lying under the heap of blankets while looking out in the sky knowing there was no better place in the world?  Thank God I slept through most of the flight or else I would’ve felt as if my world would explode with the anticipation of seeing your smile from afar as I walk towards you.

As soon as I landed I rushed to find an Uber as the countdown began. This trip was very last minute. I didn’t expect to see you at least for another year. I couldn’t be happier I was ending 2018 with your embrace. I could feel your excitement and energy as I got closer to the hotel. Would you recognize me? Would you look at me the same way with awe and appreciation the way you did last time? I know we didn’t have centuries but just a couple of days before I would have to say goodbye, but I was still looking forward to holding your hand as if we had lifetimes left with each other. I never imagined you’d be this important to me or that I would even get the chance to say goodbye exactly the way we painted it.

As I entered your vicinity, I could feel my heart beating faster and the rush of love filling every inch of my heart. As soon as I saw you look at me, I knew your breath was taken away leaving you with a loss of words. I didn’t realize how starved I was until I saw you and it filled every empty space within me. Seeing you filled every inch of my heart and every butterfly came alive. Everything that was wrong in the world disappeared with the city noises as the background music for our reunion. The skyscrapers around us watched as spectacles of our love and the sun shined a little brighter just to show off your mischievous smile. Oh, your smile, the way it grips my heart and suddenly the entire world disappears along with my sanity. I could help but to rush over to you and hug you letting your scent take over my body and sending me to a different world.  Did you know the power you had over me? The times that I was miles away and I couldn’t stop talking about you. The way I described your face and the way you moved like a beautifully written song heard by every person I passed. It’s hard to put you in words, songs, poems, letters, nothing sums up what you mean to me because I love you in ways, I have never loved anyone else. I wish I could tell you the moment I fell for you but there were so many. I’m not sure if it was in the bitterness of winter when your warmth found a way under my skin to shield me from the harsh winds. Maybe it was when the spring blossoms hugged everyone, and your kisses made the sun shine a little brighter. All love stories start off with a beginning, the moment of free-fall but I can’t seem to figure that out with you. You don’t always have to find the reason you love someone; your heart chooses before your mind gets a say. I didn’t fall in love with you, no, I walked into love with you. My eyes wide open, choosing to run every step along the way because this wasn’t the first time our souls met. We meet in every life, I knew it the day I met you and we sat across that restaurant waiting for our old fashioned.

Our day started off with the sun shining down bringing out your eyes in a way that made me want to melt down to the very ground we were standing on. You couldn’t help but to contain yourself as your hands wrapped around my waist and your lips kept finding its place on my face. You were excited to walk with me in every way to every corner if it took me to my happy place. I wish you knew how head over heels in love I was, scratch that, am with you. That it didn’t matter if we were at Nobu or hiding away in a hole in the wall Greek restaurant on W 58th whispering to each other of the nights we’ve spent getting lost in the land of souls, but I just wanted to be with you at the end of the day. Everything about you sparks a fire in me that to this day I haven’t been able to diffuse. While others can see the parts of you that is crass and dirty I’m simply oblivious. It’s like I have these blinders over me when I’m in your light and nothing in the world could taint the image I have. I love our time that takes me from the sun to the moon and lost in the stars. I love laying under the millions of layers as you caress me as an artist who admires his favorite work of art. Feeling every bump and admiring every color that touches the canvas. As I fall into our nook and you hold me as if we have the entire day, I wonder how long I have to bask in your love. You kiss my forehead as I look outside the window watching the snow fall as it’s getting ready to blanket every inch of the city. You’re always here for me even if it’s for a couple of days or hours. I find myself running back to you when life hits me too hard or even when I’m in a good place and I just want to update you on what’s going on. I wanted you in the bluntest ways. I wanted your lips, hands arms, your cold, warmth and even the roughness about you that some people didn’t understand. I wanted you the way the oceans want the shore, constantly reaching for more and running back to your every call. I wanted you the way the rain wants to fall, the way the sun wants to shine through every window and the way words want to be read. I could spend days, hours, minutes, seconds wrapped all around you and it wouldn’t be enough.  When I’m with you, everything stops and there’s no where else in world I can imagine more beautiful than your eyes looking back on mine and I’m a person who always wants to be somewhere else. Maybe we’ve known each other in every life before this and in each of them have found our way to one another. Just like the centuries before this and the many existences that we may thrive in I knew our time to part was coming.

The last day with you I held on to every second, every minute and every hour I could in your embrace. I held your hand tighter distracting myself with the strange faces surrounding us. I was so amazed by you in those last few hours. How did you manage to make me melt even when my heart was building a wall against you? As we crossed the street parading around in our familiar places in the same spots, we sit in I couldn’t help but keep my lips near your face. This time with you was different, it was one I wasn’t sure when I’d ever see you again, but I was okay with it if it meant just more moments of you grabbing my waist and bringing you closer to me as if we were the only ones in the world. The clock was ticking louder and faster and I felt like Alice as I followed you towards the hotel to grab my things. Right there I could feel my heart tug from Queens all the way to the Upper East Side. It was as if all the butterflies in my stomach were dying as the minutes with you were flying by.

There was a darkness that rushed over me that I cannot put into words, in any language. It’s one I haven’t felt before as it carried me into the Uber to take me back to the airport. I’m not sure what this feeling is called but I’ll give it your name. Don’t’ worry I won’t put it here for the world to scold you for leaving my heart in pieces and a hole so big no matter what I do it remains empty. I’ll whisper your name to the moon when he asks me why the tears are falling and he’s trying to show me the light. I’ll tell the sun in passing as she’s beaming down to show me the way. I’ll cry to the stars when I’m alone and lost in this world without your face. It would be wrong to call this sadness. Almost an insult. My heart isn’t sad, it’s destroyed, shattered, drowning and finding any grasp of air it can. It’s as if all my pieces are everywhere and I can’t even reach them to put it back in place. There are some I don’t think I even got back from you when I left. Loving you was the finest form of self-destruction. It was dancing on the edge of the tallest building, crossing the busiest streets, walking blocks away from the safe zone just to get a few moments of heaven. My mind told me many times not to do this again, not to follow your winds, but my heart pulled to whatever direction you ran. As I sat in the airport, I kept replaying all our scenes together. The times you grabbed my hand and danced with me in the kitchen to the music of our hearts or the silence we shared that was more beautiful than any song I’ve ever heard. The nights we laid next to each other talking of the inner workings of our minds to the veins the ran over our hearts. I thought of the moments I couldn’t stop laughing and, in my hysteria, I caught you just staring at me as if you’d never seen this movie before. I was scared to go home but as I got back on that airplane, I knew that even I couldn’t plan the next time my hands would grace over your face as you pushed my hair behind my ears to kiss me as if it was the first time your lips met mine. I could drown in your eyes and fall in the black hole of your love till the end of time, but I knew I had to pull myself together.

It’s been over three weeks since I’ve seen you but not one night has passed that my heart doesn’t remind me of the distance. During the day it’s much easier to distract myself even though you sneak your way into my thoughts. Nights are the most difficult when I lay there alone looking over to where you once graced the lands of life and dreams. Sometimes I find myself amongst loved ones looking for ways to bring you up. To talk about what we did together or how you scrunched up your nose in laughter when my southern accent came out. Your memories make way to every conversation I have whether I even put the effort or not. Some days I’m okay and the next I feel so lost as if I’m walking down the path and I don’t even know where to go. I can’t even walk into my nail salon without everyone asking how my time with you was. I find you in the strangest places around town. In places I go thinking there is know trace of your existence and in places with your color all over the wall. I lay at night and turn to the window looking for the snow to fall the same way it did that last night with you, but I know it’s never going to be the same. When the rain falls, I wait for your song to be played but the wind chimes are my only friend. I browse in coffee shops in search of your smell and words that remind me of the way you filled my life with energy. I cannot unlove you no matter how hard I try. I cannot forget the way your arms pulled me closer to you in the middle of the night. I look for your name in every song but fail to find you. Our love was one that no one can deny. It was one that you could see from millions of miles away. It was one that I have strangers ask me about as if you’ve left your imprints all over my body. It’s one that the first few minutes of meeting someone they ask me of my love for you that comes through even when I spend hours before hiding it.

Even if we have to say goodbye and I never see you at this cross section again, I hope I stay ingrained in your life.  I hope you remember our endless conversations, our silence that sang musicals, all my quiet smiles and hysterical laughs. I hope you know in our next life you have no excuses. You have no reason to leave me in the dark. I hope you never lay alone at night doubting your self-worth. I hope you know that you’re always loved, beyond where the stars reach the heavens and that no matter where life takes you, I hope you carry a piece of me within you, New York. I will always and forever love you in this life and the next to come for our souls will always find their way back home to each other.

Love Always,

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Where The Wild Things Are

This post a little over due. I’ve been so consumed with the craziness in my life, I haven’t given any time to my love for writing and this blog. So, for Thanksgiving week I was thrown out of my element and went on an RV camping trip. The RV was nice, but I had never done this before. I was a maach (fish) out of the water. My anxiety was up the roof and I even had to excuse myself to the grocery store bathroom, so I could throw up. Talk about serious city girl problems. I was so afraid of the unknown but this trip by far has been one of my favorites.

As the days passed and I woke up to the mountains smiling back at me, I realized this the remedy I needed for the past few months. I needed to be somewhere alone with the heavens, nature and space for God to talk to me. Away from the city life and my to do list swallowing me whole. Living life and going through the roller coasters but not really reflecting or spending time with myself in places my thoughts can dance without being questioned. In the simple beauty of nature and being away from civilization you appreciate the simple things. The beauty of the mountains meeting with the rivers as the trees surrounded them naturally.

In Zion National Park, I did the Angel’s Landing hike. I would lie to you if I told you I wasn’t terrified. I feared I wouldn’t be able to go through with it and immediately labeled it as impossible. I thought of all the reasons why I should marry my fears instead of realizing that they were bad for me. I mustered up the courage to push myself and went and realized that is wasn’t as difficult as I perceived it to be. I also learned how to mountain climb and again found myself holding back to achieving more. Everyone wants to be at the top of the mountain looking down at the earth but the climb to me is when growth happens. Although I had to be encouraged, the rush of excitement when I realized my own strength was something I kept wanting to climb up for. Often times we hand fear our trust when it knows nothing of our strength. This trip was definitely a wake-up call that I build my own walls, not trusting myself and there were so many corners of the earth I was holding myself back from.

I lost myself in the trees in the ever-changing leaves and letting the cold air kiss my face. I slept beneath the wild sky as the stars told me stories of ancient times and of people who sat in the same place as me. The rivers called my name at night as they played the same song to give me a sense of stability. I laughed with the flowers and fell in love slowly with the sunsets. I worshiped the sunrise and consulted the waters. I was reminded by the moon of my strengths and of all the mountains I climbed even though the birds told me I couldn’t as they moved in different directions. I then realized I would not live an ordinary life when the mysteries of the earth called to me so passionately. As I traveled back to towards the city, winter tugged at me letting me know I was going to overcome every storm she was planning to bring.


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Gone With The Wind

As I just sat on the plane watching strangers pass by, I keep playing the look on your face as I walked away. You didn’t say much but your eyes gave me a novel. I can feel the tight grip wrapped around my heart, squeezing me so hard not allowing me to breathe as the tears started to slowly fall down my face. It hurts so bad its indescribable. You always do this to me. I always end up walking away feeling lost and unsure if I made the right decision. This time you took a piece of me making me feel fragmented and shattering every piece of my being. I remember the last time being in the same place and I told myself I would never do that again and yet here I am with my heart in my hand and my mind in scrambles.

I always go into your embrace and coming out feeling like I came out of a tornado. I know you welcome me every time I’m here but even in the sun there is a coldness that brushes my skin. I didn’t think seeing you again would make me feel like this. The kaleidoscope of memories and emotions came pouring out when I looked at you and it’s not really anything you said or did. Crazy thing is I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to control these whirlwinds you put me in. You move too fast and burn too bright. Just when I thought I was walking the right direction you throw me off my balance. Remember you told me you’d take me everywhere from the Bean to the Willis Tower? As I walked into the building of the tower I realized how long did you expect me to wait for you to join me? You have so many layers and you expect me to wait through it all for just a few seconds of being high above the clouds? What happens when we must come back down and face the hard concrete floors? I keep asking myself, is it worth it?

Seeing you after a year was necessary. I needed to deal with what I really felt for you and if I was just compressing and ignoring my emotions from the last time I stepped into your world. You’ve changed a lot. I can see the lines and curves that make up every part of you much clearly than before. Your kindness was displayed at times I didn’t expect it. Sometimes you can be so loud it hurts my ears and I can’t even hear myself think. Although you poured water into the dry cracks of my life, you left me sick to my stomach. You rush in to my life like a wildfire and burn through everything I worked so hard to build since you left me in the ashes. There’s nights where I hear people mention your name and I find myself being haunted by you for weeks to come. I go so far to understand you that I find myself standing at the edge, but you throw me wherever the wind blows.

I think I needed to run around in circles with you to help me figure out what I really want. You are always an escape for me, whether I am running from myself or from life. This time I can’t run anymore, I told myself I’d stop that. Even though it’s time for me to leave my heart knowing it’s the right thing to do, I wish it didn’t have to hurt so much. I need to embrace what you bring to the table and feel my way out of the darkness when I can’t see the light. Even with all the good and bad I could never hate you. I cannot unlove you or forget the way your voice sounded in the middle of the night. I cannot forget the way you made everything okay. You’ve given me too much and taken me places I needed to go but I know I need to go back home.

I will always love all that you have put me through because it has helped me realize what I want and need. I need something more grounded. I need to be in a place of just pure love and wonderful conversations. I need to be held in a place that doesn’t throw me off into a space that you’ll never join me in. A place where I don’t feel so alone and forgotten. I just need to be in a place the fully loves me in open arms, no question asked. A place that would rather drink the ocean than to let me drown. A place where I can grow and not be a mess of emotions all the time. A place that always welcomes me and fights to make sure I don’t leave. A place that would choose me in a hundred lifetimes in a hundred decades in any version of reality. You always felt like a place I’d never been but I need to settle down. The fire that you have lighted in me will never go away, but I also know that I can’t let it consume me any longer.

Thank you for what you’ve given me Chicago, I hope there’s a part of you that only breathes when you see me but I need to get back to home to Houston.


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It’s 7 a.m. and I’m staring outside my window at the W Hollywood wishing I didn’t have to leave. I’m looking around my room wishing I could stay with you another night. Never did I imagine that a love and hate relationship would turn into just love. I almost felt like I was leaving myself there, and dragging only my body back to Houston. The first time I met you, it was not what everyone told me you’d be like. I was shocked by how crass, dirty and different you were. I expected perfection and you were far from that. Although you were a fresh breath of air, you suffocated me at times too. I didn’t have the best feelings toward you but I pushed through because we all have different layers to us, and maybe I just need to find the ones you had that would appeal to me.

I spent an entire week with you. I’m not sure how time flew by so quickly. Hours felt like seconds but when we’re apart days feels like decades. I met all of your friends and even some strangers we passed by while we were on our way to Mama Shelter for dinner. Places like that make me realize how quirky you are and the type of kindness that is secretly stored away for the right people in the right moments. When it was time to leave I couldn’t wait to get back home. Although I liked you and our adventures together, I didn’t see anything long term. I thought I would never see you again and you were merely a temporary fling. That all changed recently, when I saw you again. This time I knew what to expect but you felt different. You still had that crass but you cleaned up nicely. There was a kindness that I was exposed to which you kept hidden the first time you saw me. I thought I knew my path, my feelings, my heart and what I was looking for. That all changed when you found me again. I would have never imagined that I would feel so strongly about you.  I promised myself I’d never fall for you. But it’s 1 a.m. and we’re laughing too hard, dancing too fast and drinking too much and I knew I was screwed. I would have never thought that I would have dreams about you, or miss being in your light, or smile when someone mentioned your name.

We have a different relationship. A bond I never imagined I could feel, with emotions that took the soul out of my body. You and me, we’re not something anyone else could write about. I can feel your warmth from miles away as I write out these words to describe you. As the sun kisses me here I long for your rays gently brushing my skin. I like the idea of us. Two independent entities who crossed paths in a time neither of us expected, like a cosmic collision. You’re the type of soulmate that comes into one’s life like a storm, who comes and makes you question everything, who changes your reality–A person who manages to revolutionize your world leaving you restless. As I sit here at home, I feel out of place. You’ve taken me out of my element and I can’t remember what it was like before you. I keep asking myself how we got here, but maybe that’s what I needed. I needed someone to shake the life out of me and have me realize I had been running in the same place for too long. I needed something to make me forget everything I ever knew, and forget where I come from. I was falling for you and I didn’t even realize it.

Our fate is different. It is not one that keeps us together ‘til we’re old and living our last breath. No, ours is a story of two souls that needed each other in this journey of life. To learn, to love, and to explore, but not the kind that stays. It’s better this way, trust me. We will never lose the sun and sparkle. In these Texas stars, I look for you, wondering if you’re looking for me too. You’re the last thing my heart expected and now I feel like a part of me will always be with you, L.A.


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To: My Best Friend By Blood & Choice

It was a nice breezy September morning in 1997 as the wind hit my face to welcome me to my first day of Kindergarten. Daddy was holding my hand as he walked me trying to make me feel better about the first day I would be away from him and mom for the entire day. As we were walking he said he had good news for me, I hoped it was a new doll but instead I was apparently getting a real life one. I was going to have a little brother, therefore my title from only daughter, second child was changing to big sister. I was so excited! I mean the list of games already started in my head from hide-n-seek to duck-duck-goose. I remember when you were born, everything was so chaotic. Mom and dad were running around trying to make sure everything was so perfect for you. Suddenly the center of attention went from me to this stupid new crying baby. What was so special about him that everyone that came to visit and even my own parents decide to neglect me for this glob of a little human? So the beginning of our brother-sister relationship turned friendship began.

I can’t believe you went from being that annoying, terrorizing child that tore the heads of my Barbie dolls while I was at school to this very mature adult at the mere age of 21. It’s crazy how much you have grown. As you get older, I am shocked but proud of the maturity you hold  in your 5’10” structure. As days go by you continue to grow, ask questions and educate yourself without losing your child-like spirit. Our stupid inside jokes and calling each other names continue but this time without me slapping pizza on your face. I’m beyond proud of the man you’ve become whether it’s how great of a brother you are, to the responsible, loving son to even the greatest boyfriend to Nora. Although you are lost as to where your future path should lead you, know that you are one of the most ambitious, headstrong 21 year olds this world has ever seen. This is not just something your big sister tells you but every single person that we know that has touched your soul has told me so. I just smile and tell them it’s because I’ve helped raise you as your second mom.

I want you to know that I’m always going to be your second mom. I’ll always freak out when you don’t pick up and don’t tell me where you are. I know you have mom and yes, I’m just your sister but that won’t stop me. You can always count on me for advice, hugs and a lot of I-told-you-sos. Luckily I don’t have to feel uncomfortable with you bringing home a girl I think doesn’t live up to how great of a man you’ve become because Nora is just as sweet. I love that because you respect the women in your household and hold her up to the same pedestal.

Today marks 21 years of your life on earth and I couldn’t have imagined 21 years of the 26 of mine without you. Our bond is tied by blood and holds the test of time. We may grow old over the years but in my heart our relationship is timeless. We know each other as we always were, with the secrets, mistakes, private family jokes, feuds, grief and joys. We are not just best friends because of blood but by choice as well. You are one of the greatest gifts I have every received from Mom and Dad. I feel bad for people who don’t know what it’s like when your family becomes your friends. As you start growing more and discovering the sharp but wonderful path of life know that you will never have to face a problem alone.

I am beyond lucky to have someone like you as my brother. Someone who has seen me in different places in my life and never hesitated to lend me a hand even in my darkest corners. Don’t think about what you’ve accomplished so far and what you have to do in the future but look at yourself from my eyes and you’ll see you’ve already become one of the most beautiful souls this world has ever come across. Have a great birthday and I will be here today, tomorrow and the for the rest of eternity to tell you what to do..haha Oh btw, I love you!!


Your Big Sister

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