As I just sat on the plane watching strangers pass by, I keep playing the look on your face as I walked away. You didn’t say much but your eyes gave me a novel. I can feel the tight grip wrapped around my heart, squeezing me so hard not allowing me to breathe as the tears started to slowly fall down my face. It hurts so bad its indescribable. You always do this to me. I always end up walking away feeling lost and unsure if I made the right decision. This time you took a piece of me making me feel fragmented and shattering every piece of my being. I remember the last time being in the same place and I told myself I would never do that again and yet here I am with my heart in my hand and my mind in scrambles.
I always go into your embrace and coming out feeling like I came out of a tornado. I know you welcome me every time I’m here but even in the sun there is a coldness that brushes my skin. I didn’t think seeing you again would make me feel like this. The kaleidoscope of memories and emotions came pouring out when I looked at you and it’s not really anything you said or did. Crazy thing is I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to control these whirlwinds you put me in. You move too fast and burn too bright. Just when I thought I was walking the right direction you throw me off my balance. Remember you told me you’d take me everywhere from the Bean to the Willis Tower? As I walked into the building of the tower I realized how long did you expect me to wait for you to join me? You have so many layers and you expect me to wait through it all for just a few seconds of being high above the clouds? What happens when we must come back down and face the hard concrete floors? I keep asking myself, is it worth it?
Seeing you after a year was necessary. I needed to deal with what I really felt for you and if I was just compressing and ignoring my emotions from the last time I stepped into your world. You’ve changed a lot. I can see the lines and curves that make up every part of you much clearly than before. Your kindness was displayed at times I didn’t expect it. Sometimes you can be so loud it hurts my ears and I can’t even hear myself think. Although you poured water into the dry cracks of my life, you left me sick to my stomach. You rush in to my life like a wildfire and burn through everything I worked so hard to build since you left me in the ashes. There’s nights where I hear people mention your name and I find myself being haunted by you for weeks to come. I go so far to understand you that I find myself standing at the edge, but you throw me wherever the wind blows.
I think I needed to run around in circles with you to help me figure out what I really want. You are always an escape for me, whether I am running from myself or from life. This time I can’t run anymore, I told myself I’d stop that. Even though it’s time for me to leave my heart knowing it’s the right thing to do, I wish it didn’t have to hurt so much. I need to embrace what you bring to the table and feel my way out of the darkness when I can’t see the light. Even with all the good and bad I could never hate you. I cannot unlove you or forget the way your voice sounded in the middle of the night. I cannot forget the way you made everything okay. You’ve given me too much and taken me places I needed to go but I know I need to go back home.
I will always love all that you have put me through because it has helped me realize what I want and need. I need something more grounded. I need to be in a place of just pure love and wonderful conversations. I need to be held in a place that doesn’t throw me off into a space that you’ll never join me in. A place where I don’t feel so alone and forgotten. I just need to be in a place the fully loves me in open arms, no question asked. A place that would rather drink the ocean than to let me drown. A place where I can grow and not be a mess of emotions all the time. A place that always welcomes me and fights to make sure I don’t leave. A place that would choose me in a hundred lifetimes in a hundred decades in any version of reality. You always felt like a place I’d never been but I need to settle down. The fire that you have lighted in me will never go away, but I also know that I can’t let it consume me any longer.
Thank you for what you’ve given me Chicago, I hope there’s a part of you that only breathes when you see me but I need to get back to home to Houston.
Love,
The Bengali Belle 