The Wall of Bengal

I have a tendency to become enamored with those who are difficult to understand, who are dreamers but share themselves sparingly and rarely with their whole hearts. I become infatuated with the enigmas of people and their mysteries. Peeling away layers and finding clues to solve their wounds. Maybe that’s why I was drawn to you and this wild ember of energy you feed to me.

I couldn’t help but to look at your arms and the lines of your muscles as you grabbed me pulling me closer, leaving no room for awkward silences. Arms, you know they’re my thing, especially yours. Sometimes they’re holding me in a crowd gesturing me to the night. Other times they’re holding me in place, in our cove. That morning was different as I asked you how you’d describe me in one word. A force, you whispered as you kissed my cheeks. A small tiny force yet in formidable that I have yet to go over. I knew you what you were trying to say in the words that did not leave your lips. My wall. My famous wall. It’s been given several names by others: fear, trauma, indestructible but this was a new word to add. You said I was here with you but never without my barriers. It’s like you could grab me closer but I could never be reached. I giggled and said you were being silly, but I knew you were right. You aren’t the first one who’s said that. From friends to stranger I was told I keep people at bay never quite letting them near the borders before I run back behind them.

It’s hard for me to let anyone in. I was with someone for over year, head over heels in love but he barely knocked on the front door. Maybe it’s my defense mechanism, maybe it’s my fear of fully committing where I can’t whisk off to a different city in search of a new pace, maybe it’s the little girl who saw her parents argue and wanted to run away; whatever it is, I’m working on it. I’m trying to let you in the front door and showing you layers I make others wait months to see. I wish I could promise you it’ll be different and that I’ll let my guards down but I won’t lie to you like that. It’s who I am, even with those wonderful arms that pull me so close so the magic can begin again.

Love,

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